April 01, 2002 - THE SOUTH RISING

JOE (after seeing a picture of the governor with a soccer ball under his arm): Oh man! I always knew he was taking it up the fart box.

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KOW (Jason Kowiaski): I know you think this girl is going to show you her tits, but you don't need to pull up so close!

JIM S: I'm trying to read what it says on her necklace.

CONNIE (his wife): It says "fuck off you dirty old man"


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JIM (about our condo): This is nice. This is real nice. I'm almost afraid to fart in a place like this.


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JIM: Do they keep those lights on all night, you think?

KOW: Why don't you just close the blinds?

JIM: Well, I was hoping I could pee off the balcony.

KELL: Don't you have 2 bathrooms here?

JIM: Now why would you ask a question like that?


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KELL: I feel like shit.

JOE: You just got to drink- scare away the bacteria.

KELL: yeah, but then my immune system will be weak and I would feel even worse when I sobered up.

JOE: So just stay drunk all week.

JIM: Don't worry, Kell. I'll help you through it.


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KELL: They think we're like the Griswolds...except they had a dead grandma on the top of the car.

MOM (to dad): Did you call your mother before we left?

DAD: Nice segway...

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[after someone drives by with 2 confederate flags]

JOE: You seen those signs that say "the south will rise again"? The only thing down south that's going to rise again is in my shorts, so fuck off, redneck.


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MOM: Where were you last night.

MARY JO: I was with you.

MIKE MCDONALD (turning to the rest of us): This is not a good sign...

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CRAIG: Yeah, I don't really like Father Schmidt.

JIM: He's the reason I don't go anymore. I say kick that cocksucker out of that place.

[**"cocksucker"= priest/ "that place"= church]

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DAD: Your dad's over there cleaning.

JOE: Yeah, cleaning the sand off of the couch with his butt.


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CONNIE: I really don't like to drink very much at all.

JOE: So are you pissed that it happens so often?

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KELL: Jim's a quote machine.

SCOTT SWANSON: You don't have to go anywhere! He's a show in himself.

JOE: Well, I've seen the show. I'm starting to see reruns.

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DR. MEISSEN (the principal of my HS): Stay close, watch out for homosexuals, I'm locking the doors and taking a nap.

[*as told by his daughter]


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KELL: Brenna was helping Jessie pee in the ocean and taking showers with Kelsey. She's the one Dr. M is warning his kids about.

KOW: "I'm locking the doors...ah... don't go too far...ah...watch out for Brenna R."


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JOE: Kell, did you hear we are getting married?

KELL: No.

JOE: Yeah, our drunk mothers decided that last weekend.

KELL: Mom, why would you say that?

MOM: Well, you guys do get along

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KOW (ordering): Can I get a small peach daquari?

WAITRESS: I think you want a large.

JOE: Dude, I didn't even realize how much of a woman you sounded like until the waitress corrected you. Do you realize that at the "Steak Shack" you ordered the chicken alfredo and a small peach daquari? I'm embarrassed to know you...