Back to School

(say an adjective that starts with the same first letter as your name) Kid: I'm Canadian Cohen. Kendra: Are you really Canadian? Kid: No. I'm just really white. ------------- (in the chat) "U can't trust the dudes that wore wigs" ------------------------- (First day of history class) N: So we have a whole class to just hear about lies? B (in the chat): girl yes!

She Eats Pork

Jay: Pigs are arguably as smart as dogs. Did she not see "Babe"? That pig solved racism.

Chinese Eastern Airlines

Jay: I haven't had a meal this delicious since central booking.

BRE: How was it? ( the massage)

KELLY: I don't know quite how to say this, Jay, but I'm in love with someone else.

AUSTIN: Who- the masseuse? 

BRE: Was it mom's lady?

K: No. She was just standing there. She found me.

A: And she had you at, "hola?"

Mom: Willow (the dog) loves the Bears. And you should have seen how excited she was when Obama won.

Me: Thank God Willow's a democrat. What would you do if she was a republican? What if Donald Trump came on and she was like (starts panting).

Marty: She probably wants to mate with his head.

Kelly: Wait- are you drinking out of that?

Mindy: It's okay. I grew up in Malaysia. I've had typhoid. 

Game Night

Bron: Show me a nine and I'll show you a pessimistic German.

Ryan: I'm self-deprecating him. Can you self-deprecate someone else?

K: Yes, it's called bullying.