At Least She's Not the Hamburglar

JOHN: We haven't had a great relationship ever since I likened her to that McDonald's character.
KELLY: Lol. To her face?
JOHN: No. She called her room from my cell and it showed up as Grimmis on the caller ID.

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(John gets fucked up and texts sad shit)

KELLY: If you ever need to talk about it... call yourself at the suicide hotline.

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(after my first date with Jay)

JOHN: Did you blush and get all girly?
KELLY: No. I was insulting and rude.
JOHN: Good. Go with your strengths.

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JOHN: Don't use all of your Aces on the second date.