EPICJOHN: There was this guy I went to college with that I really respected and he just rocked my world when he told me he used premium gasoline. I was just like "I'm really upset with you right now." So I sent him some links telling him why premium isn't better and was just like "please read over these and maybe when you're ready we can talk about this."

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EPICJOHN (hung over): I don't remember anything from yesterday.
DAVE: Well I don't think we did anything THAT crazy.
EPICJOHN: No, I just mean there was stuff that I knew yesterday and now I don't.

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DAVE: BK told me he was going to "go away for awhile."
EPICJOHN: WHAT? What does that mean? Is he going to prison?
DAVE: No, that's what I asked him. I said "going away? like to jail?" and he was like "no" and I said "so what are you going to go to like New York or LA for awhile?" and he was like "No, like I'm just not going to leave my house for awhile."
EPICJOHN: What? Not going to leave his house? That's like the opposite of "going away."

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EPICJOHN: I think I've reached my quota of sleeping with the same girls as BK. One was enough.

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DAN: I turned down sex the night before graduation.
KELLY: from who?
DAN: Taco or Nacho or whatever her name was.

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BJ: I was trying to cross the border from Thailand to Cambodia and for some reason I had to stay there for two days without food or water.
HECKLE: Why?
BJ: I don't know. I don't speak Cambodian do I? So I just decided to wade my way through this river to get back over the border to Thailand.
EPICJOHN: Is that kind of like when I'm going to drive to Madison but there's a lot of snow so I just go the next day?

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KELLY: Wait, when did BJ decide to stop having sex?
EPICJOHN: It's hard to pin down cuz it was such a pack of lies.

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JAMES (british- interrupting me and pointing at my nose ring): It took me like three minutes to figure out that wasn't a booger in your nose.

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(James went to the bathroom and came out really fast)
KELLY: That was fast. Did you wash your hands?
JAMES (holding up one dripping wet hand): Just this one. But the other one was in my pocket the whole time- I swear.

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DAVE: When we got to Out and About it was funny because you bought like four pitchers right away and the whole reason for going there was the free beer.
EPICJOHN: Oh man. What did BK say?
DAVE: Just that you're an asshole.

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EPICJOHN: Hey dave- I think I'm going to go away for awhile.