March 14 2005 -

(at a bar)
KELLY: Can you *not* look at the tv?
JOHN: Sorry, but it's way more interesting than you. It's your fault.
KELLY: PARTICIPATE!
JOHN: Well, can we talk about something that makes me feel alive?

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(John drunkenly burps loudly in front of people we just met)
JOHN: I would NOT recommend smelling that.

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(at the gay club- unattractive lady walks in)
JOHN: She looks like something from the Vampire [video] game. I slayed her two weeks ago!

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(brenna and my dad went to honduras. One of the things they did was give hearing tests to the local villagers)

BRENNA: I was really sick of it by the time we left. I would go to sleep at night and all I could see was ear canals. Everywhere I looked was another ear canal!

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(will fell skiing and can't walk fast)
BRENT: Someone should put an orange triange on his back that says "Danger! Slow moving object!"

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(every time I see Austin K I'm drunk and I talk to him FOREVER)

KELLY: Well, I'd better go vote for Austin K. I think he's earned it. He deserves a vote from me.
JOHN: He deserves a *settlement* from you.

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MOM: have you gotten any email from dad? He apparantly drove through a group of militant revolutionaries with guns and had to get out to negotiate their way through. He thinks he's....well, have you seen "motorcycle diaries"?
KELLY: He thinks he's Che Guevara?
MOM: Yes...except the much older version.

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MOM: I hate my fucking class so much. At the end of this year I'm going to have a porch party and I'm getting a keg and I'm going to get just blasted. And the best part is that I won't have to drive home!

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JORDAN: I have nothing to talk about in one-one-ones as it is! How are they supposed to be an hour?!
KELLY: What do you talk about?
JORDAN: Well, with Magpie we talk about bikes, nature stuff and sewing my pants.
KELLY: What do you talk about with Jen?
JORDAN: Whatever's on her mind.

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(talking about freeipods.com)
KELLY: You should really do it. They already sent me a free ipod and now I'm going to get a free minimac!!
JOHN: AND! It's all she talks about anymore and has totally taken over her personality!! Good luck, though!

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KELLY: I don't think I can go to the Latino Ball. I don't have anything to wear.
JOHN: Too bad they don't have latinoballdresses.com.

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(about teach for america)
KELLY: I *hope* I get an interview, but I'm nervous.
ERIN (resident): Oh! I really want you to teach...america. I would love you to teach my children. Actually I wouldn't. But you *could* serve as a horrible, horrible example!

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JOHN: It's not that I don't like him because of his race. I don't like him because he's a gremlin.
BRENT: And there's just no such thing as non-gremlin privilege.
JOHN: I think there is. Let's start to break it down

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(guy falls up the stairs at the church key and we all see it sitting at our table)

GUY: Sorry.
BRENT: He just apologized to us for seeing that.

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(John is wasted at the church key- laughs at this girl walking by)
GIRL: WHAT?!
JOHN: LINGUISTICS!
GIRL: What?
JOHN: Linguistics! We were in linguistics together freshman year!
GIRL: That was like 5 semesters ago! What's so funny about that!
(John just keeps laughing and girl leaves)
BRENT: So, what's *really* so funny about her?
JOHN: We were in linguistics together.
KELLY: That's it?
JOHN: Yes! (keeps laughing)

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WILL: I thought I was invinsible! Wrong! I'm....VINSIBLE!

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(John didn't get the job he wanted. Instead he is an alternate)

JOHN (comes in and falls onto my bed): I'm an alternate, Kelly. An ALTERNATE! Now I know the pain of Chelsea Memmel who came so close to her olympic dream but had to watch it from the sidelines because she too was an alternate.

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AMY (trying to convince mom that we should all move to california): Come on mom! Aren't you sick of the snow? What are you gonna do- retire here? Do you really want to be like one of those old women who slips and falls shoveling?

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(staff meeting about casino night)

JOHN: dig it an early grave.

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(shopping. clothes are not "us")

JOHN: Kelly, we just don't fit society's mold. If we were in the mold we would just get bigger and break the mold.

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(after a long shopping expedition)
JOHN: Let's go home. I've got to soak my corns.

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(Nessa has an away message that says "I would do anything to ease your pain" that is not actually funny at all but John didn't know what it meant...supposedly)
JOHN: I would do anything to ease your pain! But I won't give you celebrex cuz it's been pulled from the market.

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(as told to me by John)
KELLY (to dotty's bartender): If you don't like us it's because he's an introvert and I'm abrasive.

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(chris p won't jaywalk because he's in the army)
KELLY: Good thing I'm not in the army! Jaywalking is one of my favorite pastimes!

VIANA: I don't think that's only reason you can't be in the army...

JOHN: Sleeping with men is one of my favorite pastimes. What does the army say about that?