May 30, 2005 - so oblivient

KELLY: I don't want to talk about sex.
VIANO: What's this? Are we on a vagina saharra?
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JOHN (after smokin the doobie): My mouth tastes like...greenhouse.
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(everyone is quiet watching a movie)
JOHN: GOD!
KELLY: What?
JOHN: It feels like there is a pool of water on my hand!
(kelly laughs)
J: It's not funny! It's DISHEARTENING!
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(peter is dealing cards randomly and slowly)
NATYN: there must be SOME method to this madness.
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JOHN about the original "war of the worlds": It was like watching a roman candle burn over and over.
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KELLY: I put the bay area as #1.
VIANO: Did you specify which bay? Watch em put you in fucking hudson bay with a dogsled and eskimo children.
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KELLY: I don't do well with change.
KAREN EDQUIST: Yeah, me neither...but I'm not that great with routine either.
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MAGPIE: You're 21st birthday's tonight?
SARAH: Yup.
JOHN: Too bad alcohol's your cryptonite.
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ERIN OK: If God didn't want us to masturbate he would have given us shorter arms.
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CO LAUREN: Kelly, like my mom always says, "if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
KELLY: That's pretty good.
CO: She also says never to drink champaign right out of the bottle. Both pieces of advice have come in handy in my 19 years of life.
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(new pope comes onto the balcony)
KELLY: Not another weekend at Bernie's pope!
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KELLY: Man, I'm so down!
STEVE: Well, this will make you laugh- George Bush might be nominated for a nobel peace prize.
STEVE'S FRIEND: Yes, and also, all dogs go to heaven.
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JOHN: When Gabe comes over you can't talk about anything...ever.
KELLY: No, it's going to be okay. When I get high I just laugh and don't say much because I'm afraid I'll say something stupid.
J: Maybe you should get high before you go talk to Magpie.
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JOHN: Let's take a vote on whether we watch my movie or Kelly's movie.
GABE: I really don't care.
JOHN: Well, tell me this: who do you *like* more?
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(BRE, AMY and I talking about how it may be a little cool to get mono)
BRENNA: Then you could show up at school and be like "whatup yall I'm skinny. Look at me I'm like super-frail."
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BRENNA: Why are people so oblivient?
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AMY: [her friend] Anna accidentally snorted Justin's acne medicine and they had to call poison control.
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AJ: Who's the guy that sings the songs that make the world go round?
KELLY: Barry Manilo.
JESS R: Barry Manilo...
AJ: Are you a fan-a-lo?
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JESS R: I hate on those cop shows when they find the weapon in the dumpster down the street. When are the criminals going to figure out that they check those?
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email "G" got at american girl:
Hello. I am nine. I am on my mom's name thing so too bad our love is forbidden. I saw your pony story and my friend karin gave it to me and I brought it home and my mom said "suzie lee if you EVAH and I mean EVAH go on that american girl website again you will go to a convent for evil women who are nine!" So if you could please send me your catalogue disguised as a coldwater creek catalogue I would be glad. Uh oh, here comes my step-mom. Her name is natasha! Got to dash!
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another email:
My mom told me I could get an american girl doll or a lizard. My dad already set up everything for the lizard but I still can't decide. Is there any advice you can give me on how to decide?
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MOM: Shit. On Thursday I have to take the assholes to Chicago.
KELLY: What assholes?
MOM: My class (the 8th graders at the catholic school where she teaches)
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(Kelly, Brenna and Amy are being annoying)
MOM: Please stop being annoying. I just got rid of 52 assholes today and I don't need to come home to any new ones.
KELLY: Only 4 more assholes to go and you will lead an asshole-free life. And then what will you do?
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MOM: So they want this guy to teach at QP next year but he isn't even certified.
KELLY: Wait- what happened to Mrs. ML?
MOM: She's taking a "mental health year."
K: Well I don't know why I'm scrambling around trying to find a job. I should just stand in line outside of QP and wait for the next teacher to be pushed over the edge.
DAD (points to floor next to mom): Line starts here.

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EMMA MAE (elder care lady): Oh, Lord. Look at this lady on the Oprah Show. Her jealous man shot her face off.
KELLY: Well, maybe Oprah will help her.
EMMA: I sure hope so. Oprah best get herself together and buy that woman a face!
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EMMA: There's a lot of ignorant people out there and I done married a lot of them. See that one right there (points to picture) I tried to shoot him but the good lord kept saving his ass.