not vanilla - October 2005

Mendoza (secretary at my old school): Don't repeat that though.
Kelly: Which part?
Mendoza (thinks about it): Anything I say.
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(it's late one night and we are all in the office looking people up on the wisconsin circuit court website)
Ms. Poznanski: I know someone on there...
Mendoza: Who?
Poz: Well, I can't tell you but I'll give you a hint. She works on the same floor as me.
(blank stares)
ok, another hint: Mother and daughter both work here.
KELLY: Oh. How do you spell Cortni?
Poz: Ok, but I didn't tell you- you guessed it.
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Jerry (custodian): You have big feet.
Bear: Well, Jerry, I'm a big guy.
Jerry: Well I know that but...
Bear: You expect me to have little feet? That would look ridiculous, Jerry. Man as big as I am walkin around on nubs. Come on, Jerry.
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DEE: You mean Jackie, master of no trade?
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Rico (kid at school, age 4): Miss Kelly, you look fine with that earing up in your nose.
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Demitrius (age 5): Wait, I thought yesterday that you were black.
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Kelly: You need to worry about yourself and not what Rico is doing.
Taja: Yeah, but Miss Kelly he not supposed to have that.
Kelly: Don't worry about Rico.
Mr. Jackson (really mean teacher's assistant): Taja! You best not be up in everyone's business or you can sit by me during recess and see how you like that.
Taja (turns to me with huge eyes and whispers): I want my mom!
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Matt: What a bitch.
Kelly: You dated her.
Matt: I date everything!
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Matt: She doesn't deserve a vagina.

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Mel: Matt, do you want to come to Ann's wedding with me?
Nicki (eyes dart at Mel): Ar you sure you want to do that?
(whole table confused)
Mel: What? Why?
Nicki (quiet for a minute): What if we find real dates?
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(I tell the above story to Alison)
Matt: Why do we know these people?
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(at my new job we do this training based on the work of Ruby Payne. Trudy was talking about seeing Ruby actually do the training)
Trudy: It was amazing. She didn't have to look down at her notes or anything.
Patrice: Well Trudy, SHE'S RUBY.
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(talking about a friend's recent visit to see a significant other in Boston)
Kelly: I wish I had a boyfriend in Boston.
Matt: Oh yeah? How you gonna get there? Food stamps?
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(religion discussion after several drinks)
Matt: I hate the Lord. The Lord was like our worst fucking invention
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Matt: Melissa's like a delicate flower. She's like a giant delicate flower.
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Kelly: So I finally called Bron and as the phone was ringing I was trying to remember when the last time was that I saw him. And then it came to me: The last time I saw Bron was two years ago at our Christmas party when I was face down in kitty litter in Kevin's bathroom and he and Mel were taking turns checking to see if I was still alive.

(this is a story that is quite infamous. If you have not yet had the privilege to see Matt's rendition of me at this party feel free to contact him. He does weddings, funerals and bar mitzvahs)****************************************
Matt: Bron is like a traveling Jared.
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Kelly: I really just wish I wasn't always like this. Like I wish I could just blend in sometimes.
Kevin: Kelly, if you were vanilla we wouldn't still be inviting you places.
Mel: Yeah, Kelly's never been vanilla.
Kevin: She sure wasn't vanilla on my bathroom floor
Matt: You weren't vanilla when you puked on the side of I-94. Or when we met you and you had a bottle in your purse.
Kelly: Nope, not vanilla.