October 25, 2005 - 10:33 a.m.
(backstory: mom and dad hate roseanne)
Kelly: Tomorrow night is Roseanne.
MOM: hmmm...
K: What?
M: Well, how are you going to get there?
K: I was going to go on I90.
M: Well, okay...
K: WHAT?
M: Well, you just don't know Chicago traffic.
K: Well, I just looked that up on mapquest. What's another way to go?
M: I don't know, Kelly. I have to go.
K: Well I don't know what the problem is. I have to get there somehow.
M: Well, it's your life.
_______________________________________

(I tell John the above story and he thinks it's hilarious and tries to repeat the punchline whenever possible)
Kelly: Should I order the mocha drink or the carmel drink?
John: Well, it's your life.
***************************************

(I tell mom how we have said the "it's your life" thing for 2 days and she denies saying it ever)
Mom: Okay, well have fun tonight. Don't get drunk...but...well...IT'S YOUR LIFE!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

SARAH (drunk): I should probably stand up to check how I'm doing.
****************************************

(literacy workshop)
Dixie (presenter): This is a story called "the talking drum"- I hope you will let it take you somewhere.
Patrice (co-worker): Let it take me home...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Kelly laughs at coworker Mary, who happens to be reading the bible)
Mary: Shut up Kelly before I throw the word at you!
------------------------------------------------

Mary: I'm reading the bible.
Kristin: Well bless your holy heart.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(dad is going to see Creek-where he's the principal- play at camp randall. When I was in 8th grade he went to see a packer game at camp randall with the JC staff and drank margaritas and came home wasted and peed on our front lawn. My friend opened the door and saw him and I was totally mortified because we were in catholic school and we thought alcohol was satan's drink- long backstory, I know)

KELLY: Now don't go do what you did last time you went to camp randall with everyone from Creek.
MOM: He can't. He's the principal now.
DAD (looks at mom like she's crazy): That has NOTHING to do with my front lawn!
*******************************************

Message from my dad from the State Golf Tournament: There's a chance that Amy may get disqualified so she had a bit of a mental break between the front nine and the back nine. Call you later, bye.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

TRUDY (coworker): Sometimes I still can't believe I married Ron R. If you told me twelve years ago that I would marry Ron R I would have asked you what drugs you were on.
-----------------------------------------
TRUDY: Back in the days when I used to drink I had an alias: Bebette Schneiderman. Trudy's a nice lady, but Bebette sure got herself in some tight spots. Bebette was the kind of person who would get up at a wedding and sing "I wish I were single again." (pause) Bebette was a lot of fun, though.
***********************************************

JOHN: Since when are pants that tight acceptable to wear in public.
KELLY:If you're gay...or german.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

BRENT: Who's that old guy just standing there and staring at people?
JOHN: Will?
---------------------------------------------

WILL: I had meyers-briggs training with Jen today.
SARAH (looking bored): I was waiting to see how long it took you to bring that up...
//////////////////////////////////////////////////

KELLY: What's the Homecoming theme this year?
SHWANTES: "W" Marks the Spot.
BRENT: It's a pirate theme.
JOHN: "W" marks the event that I'm not participating in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SARAH: Stuffed animals are what get me through the day.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(Kelly comes out of the bathroom of the belvedere oasis to find john in a massage chair that keeps repeating "please insert money")
JOHN: This chair won't leave me alone.
*******************************************

(overheard in the crave bathroom)
girl: Hey danielle?
danielle (presumeably): Yeah?
girl: Well, I know we're not supposed to talk in the bathroom but I just opened the tampon box and like someone put their thong in there! Like "peace out, thong, I don't need you anymore."
danielle: gross.
____________________________________________

John (looking at the drunk people at Milios): The avian flu is needed.
****************************************

Matt (who likes the chase more than the actual relationship and loses interest as soon as he realizes someone likes him more than he likes them): I think I could marry someone that didn't like me.
__________________________________________

KELLY: I just get so upset when people don't like me.
MATT: Well, at this point it's just like if you don't like me, fine.
KELLY: Well you're in a better place than me.
MATT: No, i just think that I hate people more. Like, inevitably I end up hating people anyway, so if you dislike me right off the bat it just saves me the trouble.
*****************************************

Kelly: I think I could be a stand up comedian.
John: What would you talk about?
Kelly: I don't know...probably just like...my life...except funny. I mean, I already do that for people except I don't charge them.
John: Well, at least not monetarily...
----------------------------------------

Kelly: Dad drunk dialed me last night to say that he was a failure as a father because I went to see Roseanne.
MOM: Yeah, I know. He never *has* been able to drink rum and cokes at 6:30.