Mom: Willow (the dog) loves the Bears. And you should have seen how excited she was when Obama won.

Me: Thank God Willow's a democrat. What would you do if she was a republican? What if Donald Trump came on and she was like (starts panting).

Marty: She probably wants to mate with his head.

Kelly: Wait- are you drinking out of that?

Mindy: It's okay. I grew up in Malaysia. I've had typhoid. 

Game Night

Bron: Show me a nine and I'll show you a pessimistic German.