At Least She's Not the Hamburglar

JOHN: We haven't had a great relationship ever since I likened her to that McDonald's character.
KELLY: Lol. To her face?
JOHN: No. She called her room from my cell and it showed up as Grimmis on the caller ID.

________________________

(John gets fucked up and texts sad shit)

KELLY: If you ever need to talk about it... call yourself at the suicide hotline.

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(after my first date with Jay)

JOHN: Did you blush and get all girly?
KELLY: No. I was insulting and rude.
JOHN: Good. Go with your strengths.

_________________________

JOHN: Don't use all of your Aces on the second date.

Diversity Salad Texts

KELLY: I'm at a diversity training for 3 days. I'm so glad you're not here to make snarky comments cuz I'd get kicked out and probably fired.
JOHN: Don't sleep against a pole and DON'T put a pencil down anyone's pants. Don't look at Laura H and certainly don't say shenanigans.
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KELLY: btw- America is not a melting pot. It's a salad.
JOHN: Why must they always compare race in America to food?

______________

JOHN: You should raise your hand and say you're not racist cause you've had sex with multiple black men.

________________

JOHN (who is gay): Why do people become so gay and annoying when they talk about identity and diversity?

________________

JOHN: I wonder if sending text messages during training is indicative of the privilege and power you have as a white person.

__________________

KELLY: It's day 2 so everyone's telling stories and crying.
JOHN: Dude. I hate shit like that. That's why I chose to be prejudiced.

_________________

A Night Out With Karen: Post "Grease"

KAREN: There are not enough costumes in the world to satisfy me.

_________________

KAREN: I basically married my dad... except right now my dad looks a little better.

_______________

KAREN: How's that different from Sex-on-the-Beach?
BARTENDER: All of the ingredients.

_______________

KAREN: I had this terrible haircut from a mexican woman at JC Penny....

______________

KAREN: Corduroy is SEXY!

___________________

KAREN: So... where are you on the sexual continuum?
MF: I haven't kissed a girl... much.

_______________________

KAREN (yelling at a stranger): By the way, I'm not going home with you! I'm going home with the little guy over there! (loudly whispering to me) I wanted to say "the little Asian."

(Jay and his neighbor from upstairs)
JAY: I'm not gonna lie- sometimes it just sounds like you're moving furniture.
CHRIS (straight face): That's cuz we are.

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(mary comes in and screams at a kid and leaves)

KID: Don't she 'posed to be in a retirement home?