MS. MORRISON (to class): If you're wondering why I'm dressed this way it's because I'm going to the gym after this so I can get stronger so I can hurt children.

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MS. MORRISON: You can stop tapping your pencil now. We all know you're here. If it's attention you want I'll give you attention. I'll KILL YOU WITH ATTENTION.

--------------------------------------------

MS. MORRISON: Where was he?
KELLY: He had a "family crisis."
MS. M: Oh please. A family crisis? I've been teaching thirty years and I've never had to leave because of a "family crisis." People have DIED...people have gone MISSING...but it hasn't been a CRISIS.
MS. POS: Where is he now?
KELLY: Oh, he came back.
MS. M: Oh, so it was just one of those "thirty minute family crisises."

Sittin in the Back

Today during social studies I sat in the back to observe and a student was told to sit next to me. This student is that kid who never stops talking, has 4 million questions and five million answers.

(substitute is explaining longitude and latitude. He says that when you walk out of the building you're facing north.)
STUDENT (to me): Are these like survival tips or something?
(pauses)
STUDENT: Like, where does moss grow on trees-like on the NORTH side or something, right?

******

SUB: Sometimes my son calls me from Tokyo.
STUDENT (to no one in particular): I wonder if he knows Chinese...
KELLY: Tokyo is in Japan.
STUDENT: Well I don't know about China...I just know it's PACKED.

******

SUB: You children are as smart as any sixth graders in any class.
STUDENT(to me): Not the Chinese, though. But that's cuz they have only one day of summer vacation.

(cohort e Allison's student)
STUDENT: I don't like what the voices in my head are saying about you, Ms. G.

------------------------------------------
(first day introductions)
MRS. M: Don't come in here and act all weird. I had a husband that acted really weird and I divorced him!

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(teacher talking to assistant principal in front of a badass group)

MRS.M: And they all think all of this is so funny. Look at this one here. He's still laughing. Go on and tell an administrator how funny you think all of this is.
(it's really quiet and the kid doesn't know how to respond)
STUDENT: Um..I think it's a little bit funny.

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

(susan is going to check on some weird noises coming from the cabin next door)
MEL:Susan, don't go over there.
KELLY: Yeah, do it!
MEL: Don't be the harlot of the northwoods, Susan.