MS. B: I told Vanessa I wanted to adopt her but I didn't tell her it was so as I could bust her brakes up.

R (8th grader): I cannot WAIT til my phone gets turnt out. Ooo when it get turnt out I'm just gonna act out just so he can call up my phone and hear that tone...DISCONNECTED!

Mr. B: For a while there I had two cell phones.
KELLY: Why two cell phones?
Mr.B: Shit on the side.

---------------------------------------------

M.E.: Teacher pull up your shirt!
(it's a little low but nothing too scandlous. I pull it up anyway.)
M.E.: OOOOH! I see it!
KELLY: What?
NR: Yo boom booms.

********************************************

NR: It's the 17!
KELLY: Close! Close, but no cigar!
NR: That mean a blunt cigarillo.

Annie's Wedding

(we're driving down Snelling, still looking for a gas station after passing like three)

KELLY: Are we going to a specific gas station?
JEFF (angie's dad): Yeah right. (laughing) A specific gas station.
(he keeps laughing and his wife, paula, joins in)
ANGIE (annoyed): I don't know why you're all laughing since it appears to be true!

--------------------------------------------

(wedding toast advice was "never go to bed mad")

JOSH (angie's bf): You'll just have to stay awake angry.
ANGIE: Awww! Honey! Such a romantic!

--------------------------------------------

(about little kid hanging on another little girl)
JOSH: We were just saying he was such a little ladies man.
KELLY: Yeah...although I think that may be his cousin.
JOSH: Ladies man from Texas I see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JEFF: That's not a great idea. It's not even a good idea.
JOSH: What?
JEFF: I'm not even gonna tell you it's such a bad idea.

*******************************************************

JOSH: Good cheese.
KELLY: Well, you're in Wisconsin now.
(pause)
JOSH: No I'm not. (we're in minnesota)KELLY: Oh well I was a sociology major, not science or like...mapmaking.
JOSH: Geography.
KELLY: Right.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

JOSH: Hey, is this Steve Earle?
ANGIE: I don't know and you're hand up my skirt isn't going to help me remember.

KELLY (drunk): 10.0? 10.0? I can blow a ten-oh on a sober day!

-------------------------------------------------------

KAREN (about her mom): She majored in home economics.
KELLY: I didn't know that was a major.
KAREN: No, she was a homemaker...or did nothing...my whole life.

(I play the very suggestive message a married coworker left me)
MOM: Well don't get too excited. He probably thinks you're just some young girl he can take advantage of. Keep your eyes open.

Mr.C: Wait, who's that one you like- across the hall?
KELLY: Nick. But turns out he's getting married.
MR. B: Yeah, but did you ask him do he fuck around?

_______________________________________________

KELLY:...and finally the girl told me she did take the dollar and it's at home.
BRENNA: You should yell at them!
KELLY: I did! But what good is yelling going to do? That's not going to change anything.
BRENNA: (thinks) there's got to be a book about this somewhere.

(later I tell mom and dad the above story)

MOM: She should know, she'd be in it.

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MEL: The funniest thing Susan said was in the mid-80s they started making toys that were safe so natural selection never weeded out all of the idiots and so now they're all in her class.
KELLY: WHAT?
SUSAN: It's true. Fisher Price stopped making the little toys you coud choke on. I blame big blocks.

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