(about our office's black history month celebration)

WORKER #1: I don't know why they put him in charge. What are we even gonna do at this thing?
WORKER #2: Sit there and eat and look retarded.

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(after getting beer for everyone)
KATY: This shit's done. These services are RENDERED!

COURTNEY: I loved this headline from Yahoo News: "Cheney Apparently Breaks Key Hunting Rule." When I read it, I thought, yeah, I guess that shooting your hunting partner in the face is probably against the rules.

BRENNA: Get this- first is carnivale and Ponga is coming here for five days so I'll be with him and then I'm going to visit Eduardo for his birthday so I'll be with him and then...mom comes.

(patrice is signing up for this blacksingles.com thing)
KELLY: So you don't want to go out with any white guys?
PATRICE: I heard white guys don't like fluffy women.

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KELLY: How long after you get home do you think you'll fight with mom and dad? Like how long until you get grounded?
BRENNA: Um probably a week...actually probably the first night I want to go out because I don't really have a curfew here so I'll come home and be like "tchau, tchau! Beijos!"

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KRISTIN: I heard he was sick...like mentally.
MARY: Yeah he ain't wrapped tight.

MARY (about her wild daughters): Some days I just wish I had three hangers to hang up those three girls right there and just let em drip dry.

--------------------------------------------
(about her daughter, who just went to jail)
MARY: And I told her, I said "they don't let you have knives in jail so you better find a fork and get it sharpened or somethin cuz you ain't gonna last long, daughter."

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MARY: And Julie said "well you know we have Betty Brinn (the museum) tonight. Are you going to be at Betty Brinn, sister?" and I said "man forget you AND betty brinn!"

Kelly: ok. so you have game- like with the ladies. How do I know if someone likes me as a friend or something else. Kristin says I should wait a few weeks and then just get him drunk and kiss him....but that doesn't sound like any kind of way to live.
matt: LOL
matt: you just have to know
matt: there's no way for me to give a formula for how to tell
Kelly: oh. ok
matt: you have to smell the pheremones
Kelly: damn
matt: and watch the body langugae
kelly: i can't do that
matt: and that is why you're weak

------------------------------------------

KELLY (to matt): I don't know how I feel about Kristin's plan.
KRISTIN: What's that?
KELLY: Get him drunk and make out with him.
KELLY: That's what I did with you and look how that turned out. It took years for me to rebound.

EPICJOHN: There was this guy I went to college with that I really respected and he just rocked my world when he told me he used premium gasoline. I was just like "I'm really upset with you right now." So I sent him some links telling him why premium isn't better and was just like "please read over these and maybe when you're ready we can talk about this."

*********************************************

EPICJOHN (hung over): I don't remember anything from yesterday.
DAVE: Well I don't think we did anything THAT crazy.
EPICJOHN: No, I just mean there was stuff that I knew yesterday and now I don't.

____________________________________________

DAVE: BK told me he was going to "go away for awhile."
EPICJOHN: WHAT? What does that mean? Is he going to prison?
DAVE: No, that's what I asked him. I said "going away? like to jail?" and he was like "no" and I said "so what are you going to go to like New York or LA for awhile?" and he was like "No, like I'm just not going to leave my house for awhile."
EPICJOHN: What? Not going to leave his house? That's like the opposite of "going away."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

EPICJOHN: I think I've reached my quota of sleeping with the same girls as BK. One was enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DAN: I turned down sex the night before graduation.
KELLY: from who?
DAN: Taco or Nacho or whatever her name was.

--------------------------------------

BJ: I was trying to cross the border from Thailand to Cambodia and for some reason I had to stay there for two days without food or water.
HECKLE: Why?
BJ: I don't know. I don't speak Cambodian do I? So I just decided to wade my way through this river to get back over the border to Thailand.
EPICJOHN: Is that kind of like when I'm going to drive to Madison but there's a lot of snow so I just go the next day?

*********************************************

KELLY: Wait, when did BJ decide to stop having sex?
EPICJOHN: It's hard to pin down cuz it was such a pack of lies.

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JAMES (british- interrupting me and pointing at my nose ring): It took me like three minutes to figure out that wasn't a booger in your nose.

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(James went to the bathroom and came out really fast)
KELLY: That was fast. Did you wash your hands?
JAMES (holding up one dripping wet hand): Just this one. But the other one was in my pocket the whole time- I swear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DAVE: When we got to Out and About it was funny because you bought like four pitchers right away and the whole reason for going there was the free beer.
EPICJOHN: Oh man. What did BK say?
DAVE: Just that you're an asshole.

******************************************

EPICJOHN: Hey dave- I think I'm going to go away for awhile.

KRISTIN: Where's Victor with that pizza he said he was bringing up here?
KELLY: Um, I think that was a joke.
KRISTIN: Well that's not very funny.

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(Kristin runs marathons and she was talking about how she often has to go to the bathroom halfway through her practice runs)
KRISTIN: I like to go to McDonald's because it's just like "you're food's shit so you deserve someone taking a big dump here."

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(Patrice walks in to work in the afternoon with her 12-year-old son)
KELLY: hey Quamaine! What's up?
(no answer)
KELLY: What are you doing here?
(no answer)
PATRICE: We had a bit of an incident. You know...the fire department was at my house.

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(the day of the snowstorm- and Kristin is going nuts because she loves weather)
KELLY: And you know, the great thing about this interest, Kristin, is that there will ALWAYS be weather.
KRISTIN: I know! Isn't that great!

---------------------------------------------

TRUDY: I had quite the visit this morning with a new client. She said to me "Why should I teach him to talk since in a few years I'll just have to teach him to shut up?"
KRISTIN: What'd you say? What'd you say?
TRUDY: Well I didn't know what to say. I just said "well he'll probably need to know how to talk for school and other things."

********************************************

VICTOR: You know what I say about your daughter (me)? I say she's short on ears and long on mouth.

KELLY: Have you been watching the Olympics?
VICTOR ("off" janitor to Kristin): I haven't taken enough medication to talk to your daugher (meaning me) today. She's nuttier than crunchy peanut butter.

***************************************************

(a little bit later)
VICTOR (to kristin): is you're daughter a homosapien?

(about pilates)
TRUDY: He told us to focus on the area right below your belly button and back behind your ribcage and I was like "He's talking about my UTERUS!"

(talking about BK's upcoming gay kiss in "angels in america")
DAVE: You never know- it might be the most normal thing he's ever done.

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(couple at a bar)
HIPPY GUY: I'm not as dumb as I look.
NERDY GIRL: Well that's okay cuz I'm not as smart as I look.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KELLY: Okay, well I'm gonna go watch the Office and shave my sweaters.
ALISON (laughing): Seriously?
KELLY: Yeah. I've been doing that for like the last hour and a half.
AL: That reminds me of the time I told you and matt that I coudn't go out because I had to "make some lists"

********************************************************

KELLY: I remember calling you angrily a lot but what did I actually say?
SUDs: I believe the phrase "donkey punch" came up a few times.

AMY: Anna was still making drunk phone calls on Saturday morning...at like 11.
*****************************************

(v-ball coach is annoying dad at tournament)
COACH: I just have one more thing...
AMY (loud enough so only I can hear): fuck off, loser.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(at US Cellular this guy is buying like a $60 plan)

GUY (to me and mom): Popeye's don't even know what they be payin for!
KELLY: How's that?
GUY: McDonald's pays the bills but Popeye's only gives me a few hours and so I can just pay for the phone with that. They don't even know they payin for it!

--------------------------------------------------

(flipping to superbowl commercials)
MOM: So are we supposed to like watch these or what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(mom and dad stumble in from the "Lancer Leap"- a formal dance. Mom still has her wine glass...with wine in it)
KELLY: You brought your wine glass home with you?
MOM: Well you should have seen dad. He was dancing with everybody. He told me I wasn't coordinated but that Bonnie Elliot- SHE'S coordinated! So I said "fuck it I'm taking my wine glass home."

KELLY: So is Sarah your girlfriend? Because when I asked her about it she kind of paused...
KATY: That's news to Brian.
BRIAND: Well if she were to see someone else I wouldn't like that. So I guess you could say we're pretty serious.
KELLY: Sounds pretty serious.
BRIAND: That and I did sex to her.

************************************************

KELLY: BJ invited me to his superbowl party and wally immediatly un-invited me.
BJ: so are you coming?
KELLY: I don't know...I'll be in Madison all day.
BJ: What kind of place is Madison? It's like Narnia. I don't even think it exists. Why don't you just come at half time? That will make everyone happy. I'll be happy you showed up and Wally will be happy you weren't there the entire time.

(Brenna's on her last stop on her tour of the beaches of Brazil)
MOM: We tried to teach you money management. You and 26-dollar-Brenna.
KELLY: Why are you calling her that?
MOM: She's in Rio now with $26.

----------------------------------------------------------------

MOM: Out of all of you you (Kelly) had the best confirmation preparation.
KELLY: Yeah and look how that turned out. I'm like the poster child for Catholicism.
MOM: Well, you never know. Maybe someday you'll come back to the church.
AMY: Oh god.

****************************************************************

CHICK1: I'm in this class I really like: race and politics. It's really fun. This one girl didn't know what layaway was.
CHICK2: My middle NAME was layaway.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ED PROF: I don't really care what kids want to learn about. If I brought the topic of budget caps to them and they had any choice we'd be discussing marijuana legalization from now until eternity.

*****************************************************

MOM: It's Catholic-frickin'-Schools Week

KELLY: Mardi gras and fat tuesday were the only things about catholicism I was ever any good at.

(Kristin talks about how she wants to get her phd in education so she can work for ed reform)
TED: Oh that's great. What does your fiance do?
KRISTIN: He works for the circus.