No Public Urination Tickets Tonight

MOM: He's the nicest guy.
DAD: He was high all of the 70s.
MOM: I liked him when he was high AND I like him now.

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KATE: At first the date was really awkward, but then we had two pitchers of sangria and it was less awkward.

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JAY: And then I got a public urination ticket.
KELLY: Which of your stories DOESN'T end with you getting a public urination ticket?
JAY: Hopefully this one.

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(after spending a night with my dad)

JAY: I've never heard someone use the phrase "smoking the doobie" so much.

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(my dad was trying to understand how lesbian relationships work - particularly that of our neighbors- after many beers)

DAD: Jay- you're not leaving here until you can explain to me what the FUCK goes on in that house.

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(my boyfriend and my sister Amy's boyfriend are talking and laughing)

AMY: Look at those two hitting it off.
KELLY: Well Jay can talk to anybody.
AMY: Aaron's such a people pleaser.
KELLY: Well that's good cuz Jay's a person that likes to be pleased.