JIM: Do you guys know [student]?
JANE: Oh God! Isn't that the kind of kid that makes you want to just lose your job?
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KELLY:...and my Aunt Patty wrote she'd like to be the world's greatest wife and mother, but Jaime guessed I said it! I was like, "what? I haven't had a boyfriend for longer than 8 hours in years!
LAURA: An 8-hour-boyfriend... is that what they're calling one-night stands these days?
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KELLY: The guys behind you think they're hot shit.
MAGGY: I'm like, "Uh, no thanks, I'd rather masturbate the rest of my life."
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(monkeys at the zoo are doin' it and all of my students are yelling and laughing)
CARRIE: What are they, 12?
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STUDENT: What do those monkeys and these camels have in common?
KELLY: What?
STUDENT: HUMPS!
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(We're talking about how there's one thing about each person in our friends group that we all hate)COURT: But what about Kelly? What's there to hate about Kelly? She's just Kelly!
KELLY: I think they would probably say it's that I make bad decisions.
COURT: But that's not hurting them at all...
MATT: Yeah, if anything it's only more entertainment for us.
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(kid has crutches, but is using a wheelchair while at school)CARRIE: So I told him when he goes to the bathroom, just take your crutches and leave your wheelchair here and he said, "but I can't use my crutches at all!" And I asked him how he got around at home and he said, "I crawl."
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MARY: That's usually where I cut people off. Once I think someone is more insane than I am I have to stop talking to them.
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(Mary is kicking a box down the hallway because she claims there's a spider in it)KELLY: Just so you know, I'm documenting this for your insanity trial.
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KARA: It sucks that I introduce you to all this music and then you get to go to the concerts.
COLLEEN: Yeah, it's sad how the cookie crumbles.
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BLACK GUY: Has anyone ever told you you have the FATTEST ASS they've ever seen?
KELLY: You're lucky I've dated enough black guys to know that's a compliment.
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