Mafia!

(trying to explain how to play a game to a student that speaks English as a second language)

KELLY: You have to defend yourself! You have to say, "I'm innocent, and these are the reasons why!" Okay?
AL: Okay. (turns to class) I'm innocent, and these are the reasons why.

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KATEV: No wonder her best friend is "Bunny Cooker."

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AW: Are you from Irish?
SARAH: I'm British. My father, though, is...
AW: From Irish?
SARAH: From Ireland. Ireland's the noun, Irish is the adjective. Just like Americans are people from America or the United States.
AW: Well, I'm from St. Louis.
SARAH: And what do they call people from St. Louis?
AW: Homies.

MOM: I've been coming to this conference for years.
KELLY: I don't remember you staying overnight, though.
MOM: Oh, no. I could never stay overnight because I had you guys running around. I always said when you guys were older I was going to come here and stay in this hotel. This was on my bucket list.

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(I bought a sun lamp for winter and brought it to school)

KELLY: Okay, you need to get this done.
STUDENT: Don't worry about it! Just go over there and sit by your lamp and be happy.

AW: Someone on my busstop was talking about you. The was saying you could play connect the dots on your face. You get it?
KELLY: Yeah. I get it.
AW: That's funny. You wanna know who said it?
KELLY: Sure.
AW: It was me!

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CARRIE: I'm writing up one of your students for spinners, rubber bands, and taking his pants off during class.

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MAGGY: I tried to call her to tell her I was engaged but her mailbox was full. Who's mailbox is full? Drugdealers. Drugdealers and people that are bad at their jobs.

A.W.: I hope I get out of band class.
KELLY: Okay. Sit down.
T.R.: In other words, she don't care.

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A.W. (sp ed student): I was in the lunch line and Ms. M was cutting in line and I was like, "How you gonna do that?" And she was like, "I'm special," and I said, "Yeah, you're special....ED!"

STUDENT: Gina. Gina. GI-NA! She don't wanna listen to me. I bet if I had some weave though, she'd be here in a jiffy.

KELLY (to another student): Do you have any questions?
D.A.: Yeah. Why is school so boring?
KELLY: Quiet. I wasn't talking to you.
(silence)D.A.: You are now.

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KELLY: Well, the dinner starts at 8. But there's a reservation so I'm not sure you can come to that.
BRON: No. I can't. I saw Maggy yesterday and she said, "We're going out for dinner at 8 but you're not invited to that part." I was like, "You could have just told me to show up at 10."

KELLY: He told people I'm "chemically dependent."
JAMILA: Comically dependent?
MEARA: Haha. Yeah, she can't go 42 minutes without laughing.

(about "He's Just Not That Into You")

MOM: And every character will remind you of someone you know. You'll have to see which one I am... well, actually you didn't know me when I was disfunctional.

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MOM: Your dad tore a bunch of ligaments in his leg when we were first together because he played basketball at the Red Gym for like 18 consecutive hours. He was riding his bike around Madison with his crutches tied to the back. Now it's like, "What the HELL was I thinking?" I must have been high a lot of the time.

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(my sister is going to teach Model UN to gifted and talented kids this summer)

KELLY: Oh no, they're not going to rope another one of us into teaching, are they?
MOM: I don't know... Brenna says she hates kids.
KELLY: Yeah, well I hated them when I was her age, too, and look at me now! Now I hate them for a living.