It Is What It Is

(at Landmark)
KELLY: I'm bad at all games with hand/eye coordination. I'm bad at everything in this building... except drinking.
BRON: I hate to be the one to tell you, but you're a pretty sloppy drunk, too.

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BUS REPORT: Student was out of control yelling and hitting others. When told to stop student said, "It is what it is."

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Al (student): It's EUROPEAN SOCCER! IT'S EUROPEAN SOCCER!
KELLY: Europeans call soccer "football."
AL: What do you know about it? You're retarded.
KELLY: I'm not retarded. I have a master's degree.
AL: Yeah. In SPECIAL ED!

Visiting John in St. Louis

KELLY: Besides, the ugly guys fuck the best.
JOHN: Where'd you hear that?
KELLY: I read it... in a book.
JOHN: What book is that, "Story of Your Life?"

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JOHN: When we stopped dating... well, we weren't really dating... When he stopped inviting me over to verbally abuse him...

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JOHN: I'm so glad we're able to reminisce and laugh at the same stories we've told like 100s of times.

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(about writing a check to me for my birthday when we were in college)
JOHN: I remember thinking, "Well, I don't know what she wants and I don't want to walk all the way to the capitol to get cash, so...."

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JOHN: Sometimes I inadvertently and seriously offend Janet. Imagine that.

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(John is drunkenly eating and a toothpick goes flying across the room)

JOHN: Op! Party foul.

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KELLY: Did you hear what that mustache man just said? He said, "He worked it til he broke the shaft."
JOHN: Ohhhhh kay. That's game. (puts beer down and stands up).


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KELLY: I did NOT come all this way to be hungry in the next three days. I came to eat until I vomit.
JOHN: I came to eat until I can't feel feelings anymore.

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KELLY: She's easily offended and I'm.... an easy offender.

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KELLY: There were so many creepy old men there!!
JOHN: Yeah, we were the youngest and prettiest. How often does that happen?

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JOHN: Does that say "retard"?
KELLY: No. "RETRO".
JOHN: Oh! I guess *I'm* the retard.

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JOHN: Are you having another drink?
KELLY: Like I told the lesbian (our bartender)- I'M OUT OF TOWN AND I'M NOT DRIVING.

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JOHN: Is she a lesbian?
KELLY: I sure hope so with that haircut.

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(I'm making fun of john in the cab)
CABDRIVER: Ma'am! You shouldn't talk to him that way.
KELLY: This is our relationship.
CABDRIVER: Okay, but he IS a human being.