JOHN (drunk): FUCK! I'm on easyedge! CANCEL!

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KELLY: Well I'll be in town this weekend you know, because I have my Teach for America interview on Thursday...
JOHN: (Laughs loudly)
KELLY: Why is that funny?
JOHN: Because I can't believe you have to do that...again. Because this time around you just know how much it sucks.

**********************************************

(mom just got back from Brazil)

DAD: Let's go!
MOM: I'm on Brazil time. Over there they're late for everything!
DAD: Well I'm on America time and leaving now.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MOM: And the decible level over there is just so high! It is so loud! But Brenna says she barely even notices it anymore.
ANNA (amy's bff): Well maybe she has a q-tip stuck in her ear.

(this quick reference is to a few years ago when brenna was on the phone and lost the cotton part of the q-tip in her ear but didn't find it until months later when she was doing hearing tests for UW doctors in Honduras)

-----------------------------------------------

(Two things: First, there are several cop cars in our neighborhood Saturday night and second, my mom is a bit of a nosy neighbor- we call her "gladys cravits," the neighbor from Bewitched.)

KELLY: And then when I drove down Crestview there were cops on foot with a dog up there.
MOM: I know! I saw a cop car stop to talk to the police walking and when I went to take the trash out...
DAD: She just *happened* to take the trash out at 11 o'clock on a Saturday night.
MOM: It was overflowing with coffee grounds! Anyway, I said "what's going on?"
KELLY: And they said "mind your own business, crazy"?
MOM: No, they said there was a violent domestic incident on the 700 block and I said "what? we know everyone on the 700 block" and he just goes (shrugs shoulders).
KELLY: Well you better get on top of this. Go down to the 700 block and start knocking on doors.
DAD: Yeah (fake knocks) "Are ya happy?"

drea (my former resident): anyway...on t's birthday she rented a limo and invited her friends and i guess one guy threw up in the limo and t had to pay this fine so she was mad and wanted j to collect money from everyone and they got in a big fight in public so t screams out...well at least i dont have an std you whore!
Kell0242: LOL
drea: so j admitted that she has an std
Kell0242: LOL
Kell0242: that is so hilarious
drea: just imagine being on the street and seeing that
Kell0242: they are quite the spectacle. Who told you this?
drea: um suds and then fay varified cuz suds lies
drea: then someone else told me j has an std i think it was another one of their roommates
drea: you should have probably done more sex out loud classes
drea: i blame you

suds: i thought you would like this, this is a girl's away message that is in my highschool: "change of plans...instead of pushing a baby out today im headed to the salon with jess so we can get our hair done...:-P! im okay with it."

THE NEXT DAY...

SUDs: the girl's away message now is "verry uncomfortable baby,, laying around
Kell: hahaha
SUDs: like is there a "my water broke" away message prepared

"Something for Kelly's Quote Page..."

email string that started with Courtney saying in the subject line: "Something for Kelly's quote page"

COURTNEY:

Girl: Wait.. what are you doing?

Boy: What? We can still cuddle. I just like to cuddle with my pants off.
--------------------------------------

KELLY:

I need context. Who are these people?

--------------------------------------

ALISON:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha.
--------------------------------------

COURTNEY:

I cannot divulge that information.

-------------------------------------

KEVIN:

Hmmm soooo you just 'happened' to 'over hear' a conversation about cuddling where the guy's pants were removed? The only such conversations I have been privy to involved me or involved pretending to be asleep while the people next to me had sex...

------------------------------------

KELLY:

"...pretending to be asleep while the people next to me had sex..."

does this happen to you often, Kevin?

------------------------------------

KEVIN:

Not often but it has happened twice. I'm at someone else's place and I am usually the first to knock out and then when people come in the room to go to bed later I wake up a bit... and you KNOW when sex is going to happen so it's really hard to get back to sleep when you know it's coming. But it's not as akward as walking in on people having sex. That too has happened a few times. aaaaaanyhow....

------------------------------------

ALISON:

Well I don't know about people next to you having sex, but I think Liz R might have experience with people next to her making out. . . .

-----------------------------------

and scene.

KELLY: You don't like this song?
NICKI: No.
KELLY (points to bartender who is dancing): *She* likes it!
NICKI: She likes everything. She's a song whore.

********************************************************
(loud bar)
NICKI: What size are those?
SARAH (nicki's coworker): B.
KELLY: What? C?
SARAH: No. "B" as in "boy."
NICKI: What are you?
KELLY: D...as in "damn bitch!"

(3:00 in the afternoon)

Kell0242: what's up with you?
willcanta: well, just left the room for the first time to go to the bathroom and i also looked at my yahoo fantasy and i'm winning even though i'm not really sure how much time is in a basketball game

KELLY: Oh, Katy, get this: Tim said that he doesn't feel comfortable when women hold the door for men. He was like "yeah, I think men should hold the door."
MAGGIE (katy's sister): That's funny because I seem to recall him slamming the door in Caitlyn's face.

************************************

KATY: Did I tell you I got called a tramp this morning? (by one of her students)
KELLY: What? No.
KATY: Yeah, at like 8:30! And I was like "there is no way I'm starting my day by getting called a tramp at 8:30! 9:00, okay...but not 8:30!"

**********************************

KATY: Wally, I think "poppin' my collar" should be your theme song.
(later wally tells a story about how he almost "died")
KATY: Well, I'm glad you didn't die, but if you did I would have to advocate to have "poppin my collar" played at your funeral.

*********************************

KELLY: Why don't you work at Abercrombie anymore?
WALLY (serious): The whole company just like changed so fast. Like when I started working there it was all about making out with your co-workers and if you got a chance, fold a shirt or two. But then that changed and they wanted me to do more stuff and they started hiring ugly people so it really wasn't worth it anymore.

KELLY: Where's Amy?
MOM: She's at a day-long retreat with St. Dennis (laughing) becoming a soldier for Christ.
(later)
MOM: I asked her what the other kids who already did it said about it and she said they said it was like a cult and everyone just sat around saying (in monotone) GOD IS GOOD.

KELLY: I didn't go to work today. I'm sick.
JOHN: Like "sick-sick" or "mary-sick"?
(in reference to my coworker who has been "out sick")

(at Brokeback Mountain with Courtney...and Matt)

Heath Ledger Character [says something like]: I'm no sinner. I aint had the chance to sin....
MATT (whispering, but loud): WELL YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!

*********************************************************

(watching a preview for a movie about the tobacco lobby)

MATT: I just feel like it's so passé to be against big tobacco. It's like "yeah, they're bad, we get it!"

(I explain the concept of ABC Bar Club, where every Thursday we go to a bar that starts with the next letter of the alphabet)

DAD: Sounds like an excuse to drink to me. What you oughta do is start playing softball Tuesdays and Thursdays like me. Talk about an excuse to drink...for 35 years!

(after getting off the phone with Mary's daugher)
KRISTIN: Vicey seems so nice- I can't believe she stabbed someone in the neck.
PATRICE: Yeah when she met me she was like "I'm the nice one," and I was just like "okay, who the bad ones?"
KELLY: Dude, her name is VICEY. VICEY! The root of that is "vice."
KRISTIN: Yeah, she was kind of destined to stab someone in the neck.

*******************************************************************

KATY: Dude, that Roger guy- SO not as cool as he thinks he is.

-------------------------------------------------------------

KATY: My students were like "Ms. C, you ain't irish- you WHITE!"

************************************************************

KATY: One of my students (in HS) tried to convince me that their grandma was 28 and I had to explain to them how that was physically impossible.
DALE: Well it could happen.
KATY: No. It couldn't.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(playing flip cup)
KELLY: That's it. We're gonna lose.
TIM: Well aren't we just Debbie Downer?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~