(after ABC Club a few of us walk to a bar called The Squirrel Cage but it is closed. Also, Dan is leaving in a week for the Peace Corps)

KELLY: That's too bad it was closed. You could have regaled the Africans with tales from the Squirrel Cage!
BRIAND: Somehow I don't think they'd translate...

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(I'm talking to the old man regulars at the bar we're at for abc)

KELLY: How long have you been coming here?
REGULAR TOM: I don't know. Long time. (to lady bartender) How long I been comin here?
BARTENDER: I don't know. I'm not your mother. Or your wife. Ask her. She'd have a better idea since she's been pullin you out of your car for that long.
REGULAR KENNY (really old guy. peers up from his beer): How long I been comin here?
(bartender stares at him and balks)
BARTENDER: Too long, Kenny. Too long.

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REGULAR STEVE: Oh, look at this sonufabitch rollin up here. He lives five blocks away and every night after work he drives his big ol station wagon five miles an hour into this place, sits at the end of the bar, gets just sloshed, plays "shake of the day" for about three hours and then drives five miles an hour the five blocks home. Sometimes his wife has to come out to get him out of his car.

(a little while later when the guy is sitting next to him I bring this up)

KELLY: I hear your wife has to get you out of your car sometimes.
REGULAR TOM: Yuup. Had to call the wife with this here cell phone and she and my daughter had to pull me out.
KELLY: If you just live five blocks away why don't you just walk home?
REGULAR TOM: Well, my dear, because I'm too drunk to walk!

KELLY: I told matt I was meeting you here and he was like "Is she still with the Lord?"
GRETCHEN: Oh, yeah, have you found Jesus yet?
(KELLY laughs)
KELLY: Yeah, I don't know.
GRETCHEN: I know you want to. I got that from your myspace. One of these days he's gonna getcha.

(this "john" is "john d," one of my parents' best friends)
KELLY: Remember our banana time together, John?
(blank look from john)
MOM: I sure do. It was the first time I was able to sleep in.
KELLY: Don't you remember? It's when we came down to visit and I would get up early in the morning with you and we'd eat bananas.
MOM: You two would dance together too!
KELLY: We had a lot of fun at banana time...
JOHN: I had it with the dogs, too, Kelly.

At the Hospital with Grandpa

MOM: How do you feel?
GPA: Good except it feels like i've been put in a cell in alcatraz.

________________________________________________________________

MOM: This place looks pretty high-tec.
GPA: Yeah, every time they put something in my ear it costs me $50.

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MARY ELLEN: You know, his surgeon also did surgery on the former Governor of Illinois.
GPA: Yeah. A long time ago.

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MARY ELLEN: ...and I asked him I said "the governor's surgeon! Is that good enough for you? Is it good enough you even though the governor was a republican?" and he said "as long as he only works on my left side."

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MOM: Were you born in a hospital?
GPA: Oh yes. Just barely, though. I was almost born in a bank, which I always thought was ironic since I don't remember my parents ever having a bank account growing up.

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MOM: It's a good thing this didn't happen on Saturday (when he was receiving an award).
GPA (matter-of-factly): Well I wouldn't have let it happen. I don't disappoint my public.

(at the strip show where you can pay $20 for a personal lap dance)

KELLY: Can I just give him $5 for some quality conversation?
JOHN: "Five dollars to talk about feelings!"

(mom's talking about how dad said we're going somewhere warm next year for christmas)
KELLY: Didn't he say that last year? Didn't he say we'd go somewhere warm so we wouldn't think about Brenna not being here?
MOM: I don't know, Kelly. I just live here.

********************************************************
(backstory: Kelly came home really drunk on Thursday night. also dad has been corresponding with a guy from Honduras to help him come to America. Willow just came in from a run and is panting really loudly)

KELLY (to willow): Shhhh!
MOM: She needs water.
KELLY (watching Desparate HWs): Oh.
MOM (getting up to get water): I try to relax and I can't relax! I've got people that are drunk... people panting in my face... people inviting hondurans to live in my house...

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KELLY (about crazy thursday night): I spent so much money. At one point I had five dollars in my hand and I didn't know if I was supposed to use it to pay for drinks or what so I just left it on the bar.
JOHN: Well that was an hour and fifteen minutes at Parents Plus well spent.

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KELLY (looking at a magazine): If I was skinny I'd dress like such a ho.