MEXICO 07

NICK (pointing to an old couple watching the sunset): You know what I can't help thinking about when I see those two? A viagra commercial. "If you're snorkling and have had an erection for more than five hours...watch out for the barricuda."

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AMY: I feel like they think our family's a drunken shit show.

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LUIS: Feliz Navidad.
BRENNA: Dude, this is way fucking better than any Navidad I've ever had.

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DAD: I named a dog named after "Jumping Jack Flash." It still makes me sick to think about giving that dog away.
KELLY: Why did you?
DAD: I was in no condition to take care of a dog.
KELLY: That didn't stop you from having kids.

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(it's raining. hard. a waiter walks by.)

NICK: Say Kelly- can you ask him if he has an ark?

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(dad has a fanny pack)

NICK (to desk worker): Tell me something. In Mexico, does having a fanny pack mean the same as it does in the US?
FELIPE: I don't understand.
NICK: Well, does it mean that you're rather...you know...gay?

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AMY: I guess it's true what they say: tequila really does make your clothes fall off.

(Laura and co are making a commercial for a product they call the "ass launcher 2000")

LAURA: My friends just called me and invited me to this really great party, but I'm here at home on my couch and I'm SOOO comfortable. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Gleasonpalooza 07

(soilja boy is playing)

Uncle Marty (clapping): Your mama sits on the back of the bus.

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(two girls with the last name "Porn" walked the older siblings to school)

someone: Why couldn't you go to kindergarten?
MARTY: We were running low on Porns. No porns could take me to school.

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(mary ellen calls last call at the condo)

MARTY: Now if you're "smarter than a gleason" do you ignore last call?

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(Kevin used to listen to "Riders on the Storm"- a fairly depressing song- over an over. Also, my chain-smoking grandma is dealing with the new smoking ban in Chicago)

MARTY: Mom will be sitting in her apartment going (sings) "Riders on the storm...I cannot go to eat... no smoking in Chicago." Now I get it! Now I understand what my 15-year-old son was going through!