KELLY: I wish we could all just take a nap.
D.H.: Yeah, Ms. R. Come on. Let's just close the door, turn the lights off, put a little music on...
B.A. (age 8): This ain't no date.

(after being prodded for 10 minutes to start writing)
KELLY: How much have you written so far?
R.C. (age 6): (makes a zero with his hand) Zero things.

A Typical Phone Message

MOM: Hey Kelly! I just picked up "Real Simple" magazine- the June 2007 issue- and Kate's in here under...(clears throat)...it's under...it's in...let's see here...wait, let's see...what page is...I can't tell there's no number but it's on the (unintelligable). It says "STYLE" and i- it says assis...assistant style...or style assistant, Kate G----. ISN'T THAT GREAT? So, I have the magazine if you want to see it the next time you come in...or...you can get your own! Love ya bye!

JOHN: Don't you hate that when you're looking at your phone like "let him call" and it rings and you're like "is it him? is it him? (disappointed) No, it isn't him. It's just one of my best friends in the world."

(lamenting about current men)
JOHN: We should date prison inmates. Black and muscular: plus. Lots of extra time to think about you and write you letters: plus. You always know where they are, meaning very few trust issues...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KELLY: Should I call him?
JOHN: Yes.
KELLY: What should I say?
JOHN: I don't know, "Why don't you like me? What's wrong with me that you don't like me? I love you- why don't you love me?"
KELLY: Is that what you say?
JOHN: No, I just journal and wait for them to call me.

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ANONOMOUS: This lady behind me at the grocery store was like, "my- someone has a sweet tooth!" And I was just like, "Well, it was a rough day" but really I wanted to say "I'm planning to smoke pot and eat a lot."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

KELLY: What are you doing tonight?
ANONOMOUS: I'm probably just going to smoke some pot, watch a few World War II documentaries while eating ice cream and if all goes according to plan I'll be passed out by 8:30 or 9 so I can wake up well rested tomorrow.

(talking about when the two of them drained a bottle of wine together at the first "porch party")

DAD: By 9:30 I was dead, the house was sold, and she was living in a co-op.
MOM: I SAID YOU COULD COME IF YOU WANT TO!

**************************************************************

(Brenna's talking about how a bunch of people were mean to her because they got jealous)

DAD: Why don't you tell them to suck on this (crosses arms in front of his genital area)?

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KRISTIN: Did you guys want to do a liquor store crawl?

TEACHER: At this school if you drop a pencil you're labeled LD.

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JC (age 6): I know you're crying on the inside.

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(about a parent meeting)
SARAH T: ...and he was like, "Well I was in a special class when I was in school." And she goes, "Really? Me too!" And I was just like, "Seriously? Am I seriously witnessing you all have this conversation for the first time at this very moment?"

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MS. S: Did you pay her in Clooneys?
KELLY: What's this?
MS. S: We're talking about money right now and we were asking them who was on the quarter. One of the kids said it was George Clooney.

********************************************************

RAMON: You know who has little man's syndrome for real? Mrs. H.

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(my first grade class is four african american kids and one white girl)
A.L. (singing): Blah, blah black sheep.
KELLY: It's BAH BAH black sheep.
(everybody starts singing "blah blah black sheep")
R.C.: Okay, can errybody stop with the black sheep?
KELLY: Although in here, we're all kind of like black sheep...
A.L.: K-'s not though. K-'s a white sheep.

*****************************************************************

(Kelly walks into the apartment and sees Mel watching her all-time favorite show, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show")
KELLY: Oh my god are you really watching this?
MEL: Yeah, I really like it!
KELLY (sitting down): This could be the greatest year of our lives.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(talking about me being "emotionally unavailable)
KATIE D: Are you kidding? In the last month you've met like two guys.
KRISTIN (turns to Katie): Well Katie, clearly Kelly's made herself PHYSICALLY available, but that's not what we're talking about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Kristin always talks about how Marco the bartender wears a ridiculous number of layers)
KRISTIN: And he was like, "Can we talk?" and I was like, "Is it about your layers?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(Marco goes to put on a sweatshirt)
KRISTIN: KELLY! Check it out. There must have been a chill in the air cuz here comes layer number five!

(at the K4 circus)
JC: Ms. R- this circus is gonna be raw.

________________________________________________

KELLY: My friend told me that if you put a hair dryer up to the hole and put it on the cool setting that will blow it up.
RAMON: Seriously? That sounds like some black folks shit.

**********************************************

KELLY: Did you sleep with him?
ANONOMOUS: Not yet.
KELLY: Good girl. Good for you.
ANON: (long pause) I feel really bad.
KELLY: Why?
ANON: Because I lied. I did sleep with him.