Purgatory

(trivia was cancelled because of the allstar game. Dan, our friend who calls the trivia, brought the questions so we could just play at our table with each other)

KATY: Thanks, Dan, for providing us with our own private trivia game!
DAN: You're lucky I love the sound of my own voice.

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MARVIN: Man, you should meet her friend Katy. She's tall and thick and hot and thick again.

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(I'm explaining that I moved out at the end of June, but my new apartment isn't vacant for 19 days.)

CHIEF: So where do you live now?
BRON: Purgatory.

KRAMER'S KOTTAGE 08

SHEILA: You guys should kayak out to that party boat. There are a bunch of boys.
KELLY: How old are they?
SHEILA: Old enough

******************************************

EILEEN: You guys were funny circling the party boat in your kayaks. It was kind of like "Jaws."

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(after our "dance party" on the porch)
KATE: I love working out kinda buzzed!

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KELLY: I like Jamie. He's a nice guy.
MARTY: When he's awake. For someone who doesn't work he sure needs a lot of rest.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KELLY: Where's Jamie.
MARTY: Probably napping. We're getting concerned he may be narcoleptic.

********************************************

KELLY: Did you worry a lot before you were a parent?
PATTY: No....I mean.... kids ruin you.

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SHEILA: Hey Kate, did you hear we ruined mom?

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STEVE: Was it as hot in Africa as they say it is?
KRAMER: I don't know.
STEVE: What to you mean you don't know?
KRAMER: I don't know. I never rode by a bank.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KATE: I'm glad you (new guy) don't know Arrested Development. That would have been another hour lost to quotes.

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KATE: I love floating.
KELLY: Me too.
KATE: We should add that to our interests on facebook.
KELLY: Totally.
KATE: Floating....and sandwiches. I love sandwiches.

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LAURA (age 8): Did you know when you put oreos in the freezer it takes away the calories?
KELLY: Who taught you that?
LAURA: Your aunt patty.

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(when we were little we would go to the top bedroom and watch the tv next door)

SHEILA: We were watching "Cheers," and Kate was like, "Whoa! Sam's kissing another man!" Wait.... nope. It's Rebecca.

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Home from Alaska

The parents took a trip to alaska for their 30th anniversary. Here's what they had to say the night I picked them up at the airport.

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KELLY: Hey dad! How ya doin.
DAD (looks back at mom): I need a vacation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KELLY: So did your trip really renew your love?
MOM: Not exactly.
DAD: She said it.

________________________________

MOM: He didn't talk for nine days.
DAD: "So...what are you thinking about?"
MOM: I said that ONCE! I'll never say it again, that's for damned sure!

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MOM: We were having a really nice one-way conversation that night and he points to the guy talking at the next table over and says, "You should marry that guy."

-------------------------------

MOM: I decided "fine. If he doesn't want to talk, we won't talk. I got up in the morning and decided I wasn't going to talk at all.
DAD: And that lasted a minute and a half before she said, "You're an asshole!" (gives the finger).

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(I'm talking about boston)
KELLY:...and we were in the North End at this Italian restaurant...
MOM: There's only one kind of frog in Alaska.
(dad and I both stare)
MOM: Isn't that weird? Only one kind of frog!
DAD: She talked about this A LOT.
MOM: No I didn't. (leaves the room)
DAD: (mouthes) A LOT.
MOM: Well I just think that's weird! Only one kind of frog!
DAD: Well they're cold-blooded fricking animals and it snows every day!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MOM: Hey did you know that dad...(starts laughing so hard she can't finish) did you know that dad can climb Mt. McKinley?
DAD: Oh, fuck you.
MOM: Two people died climbing it while we were there but dad goes, "I could do that. No problem." Even though he was upset cuz "Alasa's too chilly."

****************************************

KELLY: Were you guys like this when you traveled together 30 years ago?
DAD: (flips top half of newspaper down and shakes his head yes)

KRAMER: Gosh, Kell, you've lost a boatload of weight. What is it? Exercize? Stress? Sex? She's laughing so I think we know the answer.

____________________________________

(playing a game where Kramer keeps thinking her answers will get chosen)

KRAMER: Come on, now. I'm feelin the love, feelin the love!
MARK: I think you're feelin the red wine.

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KRAMER: Where did Mart go? I thought I heard someone upstairs.
AUNT PATTY: Hopefully he didn't go to sleep in the wrong room.
KRAMER: Hope I don't find him in my room...although...Feelin the love, feelin the love.

Boston

MAGGY: In my cohort we were setting norms, and everyone was sick of people saying "piggyback," like "to piggyback on what he was just saying..." so instead we say "goatfront." "I'm just gonna goatfront on what was said..."

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KELLY: I think Simon is way WAY cuter than Garfunkle.
MAGGY: You can't even compare the two, Kelly. Comparing Simon and Garfunkle's looks is like comparing my vag hole to my ass hole.

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(we've been making fun of my Keen sandals and calling them "lesbian shoes" all weekend)

LAURA: ...and when you go to the Roosevelt exhibit, you see pictures of Elenor and her "knitting partner." You should see her "knitting partner." She's wearing lesbian shoes and it's like 1920.

**************************************************************

KATY: So what kind of Asian are you?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KELLY: What are Dan's longtime career goals?
MAGGY: This is so Dan. So I asked him this one day and he thought about it, and do you know what he said? He wants to be the President of the United States! And I was like, "oh my god my boyfriend is six!" And he was like, "Well what are your goals?" and I said, "Well if we're playing that game I'd like to be Oprah."

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CHICK: What's this "Freedom Trail" thing? Is it like some kind of underground railroad shit?

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KELLY: Ohhh! The "Life is Good" store! Let's go there!
LAURA: Umm...are you sure you're not a lesbian?

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(we're at the "make way for ducklings" statues. Moms keep trying to get their kids to smile for the camera)

LADY: Were you next?
LAURA: We'll be quick. I'm pretty sure she'll smile when I tell her to.

*****************************************************************

(tourguiding)

LAURA: And to the right here is the hospital that misdiagnosed me with gonnorhea on my throat.

PROF: So did anyone think that the researcher did a good job of reducing bias?
*only stacy raises her hand*
STACY: Well I think he TRIED to keep bias reduced...
ERIKA: Stacy doesn't count. She's the Paula Abdul of article critiques.

--------------------------------------------------

KELLY: So are you still doing the real estate thing?
CHIEF: I'm still doing it... but it's pretty much at a stand-still.
BRON: I could say that about a lot of things in my life.

KELLY: Well who didn't like me? I want names.
KATY & DAN: Maggy.
KELLY: What? Maggy didn't like me? What did she say?
KATY: I believe her exact words were, "whoa."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ALISON: I think I'm dating a black guy.
KELLY: Why, did he ask you for money?

STUDENT: teacher, do you go on myspace?
KELLY: Sometimes.
STUDENT: Do you go on the school computer?
KELLY: No. It's blocked.
STUDENT: You know, there are ways to get around that.
KELLY: Yes, but I have better things to do while I'm at school.
*pause*
STUDENT: Then teacher, how do you know it's blocked?
*pause*
KELLY: Touche.

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STUDENT: I wanna get home-schooled.
KELLY: Who's going to home-school you?
STUDENT: My great-grandma.
OTHER STUDENT: What's she gonna teach you- how to get old?

**********************************************************************

KELLY: We have an arboretum behind our house.
MARVIN: What's that?
KELLY: Woods.
MARVIN: Just say "woods" then. I'm black.

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(at stevie wonder concert. bob marley comes on over loud speaker before the show)

MOM: This is the next concert I'll have to go to.
*kelly stares silently*
MOM: Oh. Wait. Shut up.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(katy's talking about how one of kelly's worst qualities is a poor first impression)

KATY: But those same things that make people go "whoa" at first are why your friends love you later on.
KELLY: Well that just SUCKS because I don't know what to do about it!
KATY: Meet everybody twice.

**********************************************************************

(dad and bron are sitting out back smoking and talking about bron's yoga studio he's opening)
DAD: So Bron, why yoga?
BRON: I find it compliments my smoking. It's all about balance for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MATT: Alison said you were drinking and smoking up a storm last night.
KELLY: Was she embarrassed to know me?
MATT: No... well not any more than usual.

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(long, boring grad class)

PROF: Did I tell you about the parent involvement study?
*class is blank or shakes head no*
PROF: Well first you need to define "parent involvement."
*someone behind me mutters*
PROF: Did I hear someone add something?
TINSEY: Tawanna said, "oh yeah you did say this before."