Cab it

MOM: I went to that el Vino place tonight that we're supposed to go to over break. It's really nice. Nice atmosphere. Really good wine. It was REALLY smooth. So uh... we might have to take a cab home (laughs forever). I should probably be in one right now (keeps laughing).

*************************

KELLY: There are two kinds of nouns. What are they? (silence) Common and.... (silence).
STUDENT: oh! Cupid?

Do No Harm

(substitute teacher I know is standing out in the hallway, looking in at the class)
KELLY: Are you teaching from the hallway now?
JEFF: First rule of teaching: Do No Harm.

***************************

CARRIE: What does it mean to be self-conscious?
STUDENT: You passed out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KELLY: I heard what you just said.
STUDENT 1: What? FUCK YOU! I didn't say nothing. I didn't say a fucking goddamn thing to you so shut the fuck up with your lies!
STUDENT 2: Dude. You might want to check your med levels.

Toast to Angela

(angela's birthday)

ANGELA: Does everyone have wine? You guys have wine? What about down here? Okay. Who wants to make a toast to me?

*********************

MAGGY: Did you see how Flava Flav nicknamed those girls? He'd be like, "I'm gonna call you 'Montana' cuz I don't know shit about Montana... but I'd like to know more."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MAGGY: And the girls on Flavor of Love are always spitting on each other! I couldn't take that! They'll be in a fight and one of them will start gathering the spit in the back of her mouth (makes phlemmy gargling sound). I'd run. I'd be gone. I may go on television and embarrass myself, my family, and my country, but I REFUSE to get spit on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(The men's side of the table is talking about how awful "The English Patient" was.)

TAYLOR (mouths to me and Maggy): I LIKED THAT MOVIE.

-------------------------------------------

(I'm sitting in the middle, between the men and women's side. I keep switching conversations.)

DAN: Couldn't take any more of the women's talk, huh?
KELLY: No, Maggy's just telling a story I've heard 7 times.
DAN: Is it the one with the parent and the ejaculating penis tattoo?
KELLY: Nope, the one about selling her underwear for $100 in Vegas.
DAN: Ah, yes.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

DAN: Maggy's reading the fourth Twilight book. I can't wait for her to finish so we can get them out of our house. I took her to see "New Moon." That Edward guy was running around with no shirt the whole movie, but the chick couldn't get out of her sweatpants because she was depressed her vampire left her. It's like, "Give me something to look at in this movie! Maybe if you changed out of those sweatpants and put something hot on you'd get out and meet a nice werewolf or something!"

----------------------------------------

(at a table full of couples, the women all made more money than the men)

WOMAN: I think it's funny that every woman at this table is the CFO of their relationship. Well, I don't know you.
MAGGY: No. I am definitely the CFO.

(I switch to the men's side of the table)

DAN: Maggy says when we get married I can keep 20% of my paycheck for whatever I want.
JORDAN: Wow. That's more than I get.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MAGGY (for the 7th time): I'm just a little uncomfortable. This dress is SO SHORT!
KELLY: Are you kidding me? You're Maggy! You sell your underwear for money!

Story of Your Life

KELLY: Besides, it's the ugly guys that fuck the best.
JOHN: How do you know that?
KELLY: I read it. In a book.
JOHN: What was the title of that book? "The Story of Your Life"?

*********************************

(teacher says chronic fatigue syndrome)

AMY: How are you gonna be chronically fatigued and be the gym teacher?

Clingon

MARY: What's the answer to number 4? Carmelo?
CARMELO: Um... I think it's 13... then 6,7,8.
(silence)
MARY: I'm GOING HOME! What language was that? Cling-on?

*(the answer was 2 cm)

***************************************

KELLY: Veronica just got mad at me and gave me the POINTER finger. She told me that I was lucky to be a teacher or she would have given me the real one.

Thuggish Ruggish Bone

JOHN: Well, as you know from facebook, I broke up with Nakimgay.
KELLY: Oh, I must have missed that one.
JOHN: No you didn't. You commented "good."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEARA: He's too... thuggish ruggish bone.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(weight loss)

Heckel: He just ate like spinach and tilapia or spinach and chicken.
MEARA: I just threw up in my mouth.

************************************************

HECKEL: The jeans only came up half way because they were emo cut.

Right on That

MIKE A: I'm just figuring out how to use the school email.
KELLY: What? You've been here longer than I have! How are you *just* figuring it out?
MIKE: I know. I went in there and the mailbox was full. I had an email from King (high school) from 2005 that said, "Hey, after practice you need to make sure you lock those bathroom doors." So I emailed him back the other day and said I was working on it.

Whoa. Wow.

ALISON: If you ever announce your pregnancy on facebook before telling me, I'll cut you. Just sayin...

**************************************
(text message)JOHN: Is wow pronounced wau or wo.
KELLY: Are you high?
JOHN: Yes. How did you know?
KELLY: Because I know. No one asks how wow is pronounced unless they are foreign or high.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Kate's fam is talking about how busses seem to be following Addy everywhere)
NEPHEW (age 10): It's a Christmas Stalking!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(I'm talking about the negative effects of sun, like sunstroke and how I am easily burned)
STUDENT: I am SO glad I'm not white.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

(Mom is watching Ted Kennedy's funeral)
DAD: Ah, the rich and beautiful.
MOM: You're just jealous cuz you're poor and ugly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(student is in trouble. Angry dad comes in)

STUDENT: I was trying to do my work but...
DAD: Shut. UP. You got enough excuses to be in Congress.

*****************************************

SUSAN: That was night Jenny's husband asked if bangs were genetic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(about Chaz Bono)
MARY:I've always said I could deal with it if my son were gay. But to get so fat? No.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Call the UN

MARY: What is this scuffle? What's going on back there?
STUDENT (little voice): He dropped his pencil.
MARY: Dropped his pencil? Okay, well is everything going to be okay or do we need to call the UN?

-----------------------------------

MARTY: Beautiful streets we have here. It's like we're in Dresden.

*********************************

KATE: Cubs games are ridiculous. It's all people our age crazy drunk in a parking lot. It's like an enormous meat market. It's awesome.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KATE: Looks like I'm trapped with Fitz. He was like, "I really like you," and I was like, "Well that sucks since I want to get on like 8 of your friends here."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

BRENNA: Midwestern guys are the best. Kate, didn't you say that when you were in New York?
KATE: Totally. Guys from the midwest are where it's at.
KELLY: Really?? Cuz it feels like I've tapped Milwaukee DRY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KELLY: Who wants to tell us about the Great Depression?
IG (sighs and rolls her eyes): YOU.