NR: Ms R my mom said I have to stop telling you all of my business.

------------------------------------------------

AMY: I'm like Rapunzel all locked up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DAD: Did your hostmom talk to you today?
AMY: Just to offer me cake but that was it.
KELLY: Well that's pretty good. Mom never gives us cake even when she likes us.
DAD: Yeah here when no one talked to you, no one talked to you and that was it. At least there when no one talks to you, you get cake.

****************************************************

KELLY: Oh dad, I wish you would have seen mom at this kegger.
DAD: Kelly! I've had 20 years of seeing your mother at keggers. I've seen enough of your mother at keggers to last a lifetime.

*later*
(I tell mom above quote)
MOM: Twenty years? More than that...
---------------------------------------------------

KELLY: Okay, so what people can tell me about their favorite snacks?
DN (age 9): Mangos.
KELLY: Okay. Mangos. And D, what do you have to do to the mango to prepare it to eat?
DN: I don't know- I've never had the things!
KELLY: Then why did you just say they were your favorite snack?
DN: You just said PEOPLE. "People's favorite snacks."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

DN (age 9): Mr. K said, "This class is like the Jerry Springer Show!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KATIEB: Mr. K is a nice guy...he just hates children.
--------------------------------------------------------
KELLY: Ms. T told me you're having trouble zipping the lip today.
RC (age 6):That's because someone spit in my hoodie!!!

JC (age 6): I hate it when skunks fart on you.

*****************************************

differentKELLY: We're writing a joint book about teaching in tough areas called, "Close Your Door and Teach."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KRISTIN: I can't imagine being Chinese.

----------------------------------

JOHN: I have a student that when he says something inappropriate I burp and blow it in his face and it's not something I'd bring up at a job interview but it's quite effective.


-----------------------------------------

(on phone before john comes to town)
KELLY: Well, I'd better get going.
JOHN: Yeah, you're right. We'd better save some material for the 36 hours we will be one.

KRISTIN: One-Legged man was like...I'm sorry- is that rude? Should I not call him that?

*********************************************
(Nick is the bartender)
KELLY: Nick's a play-ah.
KRISTIN: How do you know that?
KELLY: He knows EVERYBODY!
KRISTIN: He WORKS here!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

R: Damn Ms. R- how you gonna try to fit through the door at the same time as me?
KELLY: Well I would be at the Y right now, but instead I took you to Chuck E. Cheese!
T: What you gonna do at the Y? You just go up there to look at people.
(singing "I'm a Flirt" by R. Kelly)
T: "And I go up to that Y- cuz I'm a FLIRT!"
R: "You know I ain't lost a pound- cuz I'm a FLIRT!"

*********************************************************

(there's a traffic situation that causes me to say "shit")
R: Listen to Ms. R curse all white. "ShiTTT." When she curses you KNOW she's cursin'. She makes sure to put that "t" on the end.
R and T: SHITTT!
R: We should have had Ms. R handle those bitches back there. She would have been like, "GoDDamn iTT! What the fuCKK is going on? Get your aSSes in the fuCKKing car now!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ADAM B: He borrowed my crock pot (to me) my crack pipe.
MEL: Wait what did he borrow?
ADAM B: He borrowed my crock pot.
MEL: Okay, that's what I thought.
ADAM B: I was kidding and said my crack pipe. Yes, I've started smoking crack in honor of lent. This year I'm not giving anything up- I'm ACQUIRING things.

(walking down memory lane hits a speed bump)

JOHN: remember when we crashed that party at the wine cellar and ate all that cake
JOHN: or was that someone else
KELLY: someone else
KELLY: i hope

**********************************************

BRENNA: Dad was getting all nostagic. He really misses everyone being home.
KELLY: Then how come when we're home the first thing he does is leave?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BRENNA: He really misses Amy-- you know, the favorite.
KELLY: Dude, whatever. I'm totally dad's favorite.
BRENNA: They just like you because you call all the time.
KELLY: I feel like I never call them.
BRENNA: Well I don't know then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BRENNA: He was talking all nostalgic about us- probably because he drank a bottle and a half of wine.

(an IEP is the legal document used to describe and address a student's disability)

KELLY: I'm lost when it comes to relationships. I need an IEP for relationships.
ERIC: I'll write it.
KRISTIN: OOH! I'll help! I'll be on THAT IEP team!
KELLY: Make sure you write some goal pages.
ERIC: "Kelly will decrease her off task behavior from 75%..."
KELLY: 75 percent!?!
ERIC: It's more like 99% but I was being generous.

*****************************************************

(ERIC says something and I grab my forehead in distress)
KRISTIN: Wait, wait! Don't put your hand on your forehead! This is not a hand-to-forehead situation!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SCHOOL CAF WORKER: What's your name?
KELLY: Kelly R_______.
CAF: I'll remember the "Kelly" part, cuz that's my daughter's name, but you'll have to give me your whole name again tomorrow. I can't remember anything on chicken day.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MONIQUE: How's he gonna say, "Oh, and I'm sleeping at my baby mama's house but it don't mean anything"? I'm like, "oh, well that's fine. Just stay over there and I'll have my baby daddy stay over here and he gonna lay in the bed right next to me cuz, you know, it don't mean anything..." And he was like, "oh, what, you're gonna try to pull some 'tit for tat' bullshit?" And I said, "Damn right, if you gettin some tit I'm gettin some tat. Where's my tat? Get me some tat. Come on now."

********************************************************

MONIQUE:...and the letter was signed "concerned parent." And I was like, CONCERNED PARENT? CONCERNED PARENT? I aint seen but five parents up in this building and they didn't look too concerned to me.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(it's monday morning at 7:45. Daniel sits down all grumpy)
DANIEL (in his whiniest voice): I WISH IT WAS FRIDAY!

KATIE D: Where are their other friends?
KRISTIN: I don't know. They were like, "They're supposed to maybe fly in at 10:30," and I'm like "well that's like 10 minutes from now- are you guys really with it?"

*********************************************************

AMY: I'm in my bedroom right now because there are all of these people over for a shuhastu.
KELLY: What's a shuhastu? Like a party?
AMY: It's like a meal. A neverending meal. A neverending meal of meat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(about brazil)
AMY: They put sugar on everything. And they drink coke all day. I'm like "no wonder you people are always so excited- you're high on sugar and coke all the time!"

-----------------------------------------------

AMY: Dad writes me these emails that are like one sentence long. I joke with him and say "only 20 more emails and I might actually have a full paragraph from you!"

**********************************************************

(Mel brings a whole bunch of beer- which she's allergic to- to Nicki's engagement party)

MATT: Melissa just brings things people have left in her house to parties. "Here's some bread! It's poison to me but happy engagement!"

-------------------------------------------------

(nicki's engagement party with her conservative family)

ADAM'S DAD: I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "The road to hell is paved with liberals."
GREG: Oh we like him! Come sit down! We'll make room!
RUSS: We can kick a liberal out of her chair to make room if we have to!

KATY: Whenever this student asks for something and I say no-- like if he wants to go to the bathroom and I'm like, "not right now,"-- he'll say, "Is it because I'm black?" Which is funny because he's Puerto Rican.

***********************************************

UB: I like white people music.