(Kelly rips on Tim)

TIM: You better watch out or I'll break you like I broke your camera!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

PATRICE: For Christmas, Charles (her ex-husband) gave me $100 and said "you lucky you the baby-momma I like."

KELLY: My coworker, Kristin, called me obnoxious. We were talking and she was just like "okay, you're being obnoxious."

(table reacts with sympathy and disgust at my harsh coworker)

MATT: Wait, wait. *Exactly why* did she say that to you?

KELLY: They all want to get married and I just don't get it!
DAD: Well maybe..They had...parents with a good marriage.
MOM: That's strike two. One more and you're out.

*************************************************************

KELLY: I got a scholarship from the Y.
JOHN: Scholarship? Scholarship? What was it like "funds for fatties"?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

JOHN: So when you say you're a republican what does that mean?
KELLY (Sarah's friend): I don't know...
JOHN: Well does it mean that like you think porn should be illegal and gays are going to hell?
KELLY: Yes.
(later, after she had left)
JOHN: She could have been like "I believe in small government and fiscal responsibility" and I'd be like okay, but nope- it's the porn and the gays.

(about teaching regular ed when she's supposed to be teaching special ed)
Katy: I'm teaching this class (about getting ready for life after HS) and it's like half special ed, half regular ed- but I wish it was just special ed so I could be like these are your rights, this is what you do when you have a disability. But I can't do that cuz the whole class would be like "What? Who's retarded?"

*******************************************************************************

Katy: Oh Kelly, you'll love this one. So one of my students called me "chubby" and I was like "I am NOT chubby. I'm thick." and all of my students were like "AWE MS. CO-LLIN!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KELLY: What kind of disabilities do you work with?
KATY: Mostly mild ones. Like LD. Oh and some EBD, which basically just means bad. Like these kids are so bad they had to make up a disability to justify their behavior.

********************************************************************

BJ: I've known that guy my whole life and I've never seen him like this.
KELLY: Well, he was doing shots of Jaeger in his van.
BJ: I was just gonna say he LOOKED like a guy that did shots of Jaeger in a van.

***********************************************************************

(Dale is so drunk that he makes out with this girl that's been his friend for years)
DALE (pulling away from kiss and leans over to whisper to me): Please get me some water! Please! water! If you get me water I'll do anything you want. I'll take you to dinner or a movie- whatever. Just get me the water and I'll love you forever.
KELLY: Will you take me to see whatever I want?
D: Sure.
KELLY: Will you take me to the gay cowboy movie?
DALE (thinks about it): No. Anything but that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Mary gets a letter from the foodstamps people asking her for more information)
MARY: It's like they give you a few dollars and have to know your whole life!

January 04, 2006 - Stressed about Relaxing
KEVIN: There's this guy that I work with that's like Napolean Dynomite. The reason he's like Napolean Dynomite is because he'll be like "I got into Harvard but I decided not to go there" and I'm like "and what then you went wolverine hunting in alaska?"

******************************************

KEVIN: This guy would just not believe me that (some country) sets their currency to the US dollar. It's like "ok there are two kinds of questions in the world- those you can look up on google and those you can't. This is one of those questions you can easily google."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm trying to read "Rise of the Creative Class" based on Matt and Kevin's recommendation)

KELLY: Wow Kevin- that's so creative class!
MATT: Kevin's SO creative class.
KEVIN: The creativity is just dripping off of me so much that you could mop it with a....(long pause)
KELLY: A mop?
KEVIN: Yeah. A mop.
KELLY: That wasn't very creative.

---------------------------------------------

KELLY: After watching season two of the L Word, seriously, John, the best thing you ever did for me was tell me not to buy that poncho last year.
JOHN: Yeah I remember that conversation. I was like "what IS a poncho?" and you tried to explain it to me and I didn't really get it but I was like "I don't know Kelly. That doesn't sound very good."
KELLY: And thank god for that. If it weren't for that I would have been walking around Madison last year in a giant poncho looking like Tina carrying my lesbian's black baby.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

JOHN: I got yelled at for leaving dishes in the kitchen. I wonder if it's like the GRE- like leaving the dishes in the kitchen is to verbal lashing, as leaving dishes in the living room is to public hanging.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DAD: You speak spanish fluently now?
CARRIE: pretty much.
KELLY: Oh! say something in spanish!
CARRIE: No. There that was spanish.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(about my massage)
KELLY: Well, ONE: I get stressed out about relaxing.
MATT: That should be your motto. You should have that scroll at the bottom of your blog.

****************************************

(Steve was my massage therapist. It's 20 minutes after I got home from my first massage and it's quiet at my house)
KELLY: I miss Steve.

------------------------------------------

(matt bought a giant pillow at Ikea that's 28" x 28" and they don't sell a lot of pillowcases that size anywhere)
KELLY: Well, did you try to go online?
MATT: Yeah, but I don't want to invest that much in a pillowcase.
KELLY: I've already invested more in this conversation about a pillowcase than I'd like to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kelly: When I first came to Milwaukee I didn't know what a grill was.
Trudy: What's a grill?
Kelly: It's that gold and stuff that men put on their teeth.
Trudy: Oh. Ron has a grill.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(this boy really likes amy but she doesn't like him and he won't take a simple no. She reads his away message and it's song lyrics that say stuff like "I shared your dreams, I shared your bed blah blah...")
AMY (to boy via IM): We never did any of that.

--------------------------------------------

DAD: I saw your boyfriend at the bowling alley today.
AMY: Did you tell him to shoo?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(after reading amy's online conversation with above mentioned boy)
KELLY: What's a slore?
AMY: Slut slash whore.

================================================

(Dad's opening mail)
KELLY: Come on, dad! How come you always want to hang out with Amy? Let's hang out!
DAD (after looking at a piece of mail that's a parking ticket I incurred): This! This is why we can't be friends! (gets up and leaves room)
**********************************************

PUBLIC ASSISTANCE LADY: Okay and what's your roommate's birthdate?
KELLY: Oh gosh, I don't know. It's not on that form?
PA LADY: No.
KELLY: Um, well, do you want me to call her?
LADY (obviously perterbed): Just guess.
KELLY: Guess?
LADY: Like we know she was born in 1981 because she's 25.
KELLY: Okay...
LADY: Nevermind I'll do it.

December 12, 2005 - 11:45 a.m.
(SARAH just got admitted to UW med school and is wasted)KELLY: It's so good to see you!
SARAH: I know! Wait. Can I deliver your children?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ALISON: He was like "let's just focus on being friends" and I was like "I don't know if I know how to be friends with someone I met two days ago and slept with yesterday."

----------------------------------------

JANE: I remember when Adrian said I had a badonkaDANG.

-----------------------------------------

(tabling at "life after college" fair at Pulaski)
TRUDY: Patrice! I found our new profession! If you take this appliance repair class you can start your own business!
(later)
TRUDY: Okay, let's think about this Kelly. Where can you meet men...(suggests this church)
KELLY: Well that would be a problem because I don't like church.
TRUDY: Well, you could do the appliance repair class. There are lots of men there. And if you don't meet a man at least you'd know how to fix your own appliances.
(later)
TRUDY: You need to go and do something you love and let the men come to you because if we leave it up to you to find them you'll just find losers.

************************************************

PATRICE: Here's some information about teen pregnancy...
Pulaski student: That ain't a problem cuz I like guys. Oo. There go a fine one right now!
SOME LADY: Isn't that sad? There are so many here today. They keep getting younger and younger.
(I look up and take a deep breath)
PATRICE: Kelly. Please.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A VISTA: And this lady was like "be a vista!" and I was like "girl, I am too broke to be working for free."

___________________________________________

BARTENDER: Do you want another?
DAVE KELLY (uncle's friend): Alright. You twisted my liver.
*********************************************

KELLY: How much do I owe you?
JOE F: Don't worry about it.
KELLY: No way. I can't leave the bill for you!
JOE: Don't worry about it. It's free. Are you going back to my house for pizza?
KELLY: I think so...
JOE: That's free too! It's all free!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KELLY: Is Maren's mom a lot like Maren?
KEVIN: Maren's mom would read the obituaries and laugh.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(talking about the church saying gays are going to hell)
JOHN: And I'm just like "cast a fucking spell"
JANE: Wow. I thought you were going to say "cast a fucking stone" which would have been a good allusion.
JOHN: (pause)Is it too late to say that?
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

(I go to mels party and am just talking normal but apparantly the crowd is appalled. Mel's friend Adam, however, moves one seat closer)
ADAM: You're a surley one! (pretending to engage in conversation with me) Fuck, shit, bitch, piss, dick, eh?

***************************************

(about the tinking in our heater system)
KELLY: What I like about it is that it's regular.
ADAM: It's like a german plumber- he's always gonna be there- reliable. Consistent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(these obnoxious drunk guys left Dotties and then came back where they were kindly re-greeted by their friends)
JOHN: We already forgot you existed.

*********************************************

KELLY: My dad says he doesn't read my blog anymore because it's depressing.
JOHN: Really? Cuz I print my blog out and take it to my (therapy) sessions.

*********************************************

JOHN (about our bartender that we always used to have at the Vintage): I miss Krista. She was such a little cuttlebug. She reminded me of one of my cats.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(Trudy leaves a really sweet message for her husband)
KELLY: Aw.
TRUDY: I know. We're just newlyweds. I'm really lucky to be married to such a nice man. Of course, it'd be nicer if he were rich...

*********************************************

(telling her engagement story)
ANDREA: And I could see through the glass door that he had set out wine and I was like "yay! wine! That's exactly what I want!" (tells rest of story) And then you know I was crying and everything and I said "I'm really glad you bought wine!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KELLY: I saw Austin K last weekend and I wanted to go up to him, but you know I couldn't because every time I see him I'm drunk.
JOHN: Well, the fourth step is making ammends.

___________________________________________

JOHN: The nice thing about drinking just the two of us is that we don't have to make ammends to anyone the next morning.
KELLY: Well, except for the bartender.
****************************************
JOHN: Yeah that Suds kid was like "I just can't imagine Kelly getting up....and like....working." And I was like "geez! give her *some* credit!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
KELLY (drunk, to substance free kids that had just been to state street arcade): do you have any midget- i mean girl on girl- i mean guy on guy- i mean totally normal porn?

October 25, 2005 - 10:33 a.m.
(backstory: mom and dad hate roseanne)
Kelly: Tomorrow night is Roseanne.
MOM: hmmm...
K: What?
M: Well, how are you going to get there?
K: I was going to go on I90.
M: Well, okay...
K: WHAT?
M: Well, you just don't know Chicago traffic.
K: Well, I just looked that up on mapquest. What's another way to go?
M: I don't know, Kelly. I have to go.
K: Well I don't know what the problem is. I have to get there somehow.
M: Well, it's your life.
_______________________________________

(I tell John the above story and he thinks it's hilarious and tries to repeat the punchline whenever possible)
Kelly: Should I order the mocha drink or the carmel drink?
John: Well, it's your life.
***************************************

(I tell mom how we have said the "it's your life" thing for 2 days and she denies saying it ever)
Mom: Okay, well have fun tonight. Don't get drunk...but...well...IT'S YOUR LIFE!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

SARAH (drunk): I should probably stand up to check how I'm doing.
****************************************

(literacy workshop)
Dixie (presenter): This is a story called "the talking drum"- I hope you will let it take you somewhere.
Patrice (co-worker): Let it take me home...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Kelly laughs at coworker Mary, who happens to be reading the bible)
Mary: Shut up Kelly before I throw the word at you!
------------------------------------------------

Mary: I'm reading the bible.
Kristin: Well bless your holy heart.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(dad is going to see Creek-where he's the principal- play at camp randall. When I was in 8th grade he went to see a packer game at camp randall with the JC staff and drank margaritas and came home wasted and peed on our front lawn. My friend opened the door and saw him and I was totally mortified because we were in catholic school and we thought alcohol was satan's drink- long backstory, I know)

KELLY: Now don't go do what you did last time you went to camp randall with everyone from Creek.
MOM: He can't. He's the principal now.
DAD (looks at mom like she's crazy): That has NOTHING to do with my front lawn!
*******************************************

Message from my dad from the State Golf Tournament: There's a chance that Amy may get disqualified so she had a bit of a mental break between the front nine and the back nine. Call you later, bye.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

TRUDY (coworker): Sometimes I still can't believe I married Ron R. If you told me twelve years ago that I would marry Ron R I would have asked you what drugs you were on.
-----------------------------------------
TRUDY: Back in the days when I used to drink I had an alias: Bebette Schneiderman. Trudy's a nice lady, but Bebette sure got herself in some tight spots. Bebette was the kind of person who would get up at a wedding and sing "I wish I were single again." (pause) Bebette was a lot of fun, though.
***********************************************

JOHN: Since when are pants that tight acceptable to wear in public.
KELLY:If you're gay...or german.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

BRENT: Who's that old guy just standing there and staring at people?
JOHN: Will?
---------------------------------------------

WILL: I had meyers-briggs training with Jen today.
SARAH (looking bored): I was waiting to see how long it took you to bring that up...
//////////////////////////////////////////////////

KELLY: What's the Homecoming theme this year?
SHWANTES: "W" Marks the Spot.
BRENT: It's a pirate theme.
JOHN: "W" marks the event that I'm not participating in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SARAH: Stuffed animals are what get me through the day.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(Kelly comes out of the bathroom of the belvedere oasis to find john in a massage chair that keeps repeating "please insert money")
JOHN: This chair won't leave me alone.
*******************************************

(overheard in the crave bathroom)
girl: Hey danielle?
danielle (presumeably): Yeah?
girl: Well, I know we're not supposed to talk in the bathroom but I just opened the tampon box and like someone put their thong in there! Like "peace out, thong, I don't need you anymore."
danielle: gross.
____________________________________________

John (looking at the drunk people at Milios): The avian flu is needed.
****************************************

Matt (who likes the chase more than the actual relationship and loses interest as soon as he realizes someone likes him more than he likes them): I think I could marry someone that didn't like me.
__________________________________________

KELLY: I just get so upset when people don't like me.
MATT: Well, at this point it's just like if you don't like me, fine.
KELLY: Well you're in a better place than me.
MATT: No, i just think that I hate people more. Like, inevitably I end up hating people anyway, so if you dislike me right off the bat it just saves me the trouble.
*****************************************

Kelly: I think I could be a stand up comedian.
John: What would you talk about?
Kelly: I don't know...probably just like...my life...except funny. I mean, I already do that for people except I don't charge them.
John: Well, at least not monetarily...
----------------------------------------

Kelly: Dad drunk dialed me last night to say that he was a failure as a father because I went to see Roseanne.
MOM: Yeah, I know. He never *has* been able to drink rum and cokes at 6:30.

not vanilla - October 2005

Mendoza (secretary at my old school): Don't repeat that though.
Kelly: Which part?
Mendoza (thinks about it): Anything I say.
****************************************

(it's late one night and we are all in the office looking people up on the wisconsin circuit court website)
Ms. Poznanski: I know someone on there...
Mendoza: Who?
Poz: Well, I can't tell you but I'll give you a hint. She works on the same floor as me.
(blank stares)
ok, another hint: Mother and daughter both work here.
KELLY: Oh. How do you spell Cortni?
Poz: Ok, but I didn't tell you- you guessed it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Jerry (custodian): You have big feet.
Bear: Well, Jerry, I'm a big guy.
Jerry: Well I know that but...
Bear: You expect me to have little feet? That would look ridiculous, Jerry. Man as big as I am walkin around on nubs. Come on, Jerry.
________________________________________

DEE: You mean Jackie, master of no trade?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rico (kid at school, age 4): Miss Kelly, you look fine with that earing up in your nose.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Demitrius (age 5): Wait, I thought yesterday that you were black.
_________________________________________

Kelly: You need to worry about yourself and not what Rico is doing.
Taja: Yeah, but Miss Kelly he not supposed to have that.
Kelly: Don't worry about Rico.
Mr. Jackson (really mean teacher's assistant): Taja! You best not be up in everyone's business or you can sit by me during recess and see how you like that.
Taja (turns to me with huge eyes and whispers): I want my mom!
****************************************

Matt: What a bitch.
Kelly: You dated her.
Matt: I date everything!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Matt: She doesn't deserve a vagina.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mel: Matt, do you want to come to Ann's wedding with me?
Nicki (eyes dart at Mel): Ar you sure you want to do that?
(whole table confused)
Mel: What? Why?
Nicki (quiet for a minute): What if we find real dates?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(I tell the above story to Alison)
Matt: Why do we know these people?
_________________________________________

(at my new job we do this training based on the work of Ruby Payne. Trudy was talking about seeing Ruby actually do the training)
Trudy: It was amazing. She didn't have to look down at her notes or anything.
Patrice: Well Trudy, SHE'S RUBY.
****************************************
(talking about a friend's recent visit to see a significant other in Boston)
Kelly: I wish I had a boyfriend in Boston.
Matt: Oh yeah? How you gonna get there? Food stamps?
----------------------------------------
(religion discussion after several drinks)
Matt: I hate the Lord. The Lord was like our worst fucking invention
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Matt: Melissa's like a delicate flower. She's like a giant delicate flower.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Kelly: So I finally called Bron and as the phone was ringing I was trying to remember when the last time was that I saw him. And then it came to me: The last time I saw Bron was two years ago at our Christmas party when I was face down in kitty litter in Kevin's bathroom and he and Mel were taking turns checking to see if I was still alive.

(this is a story that is quite infamous. If you have not yet had the privilege to see Matt's rendition of me at this party feel free to contact him. He does weddings, funerals and bar mitzvahs)****************************************
Matt: Bron is like a traveling Jared.
----------------------------------------

Kelly: I really just wish I wasn't always like this. Like I wish I could just blend in sometimes.
Kevin: Kelly, if you were vanilla we wouldn't still be inviting you places.
Mel: Yeah, Kelly's never been vanilla.
Kevin: She sure wasn't vanilla on my bathroom floor
Matt: You weren't vanilla when you puked on the side of I-94. Or when we met you and you had a bottle in your purse.
Kelly: Nope, not vanilla.

September 06, 2005 - Reunion Edition

This entry is dedicated to the class of 2000...and matt...from Middleton...class of '99- he made a guest appearance.


KELLY: You don't like the east side and you don't like talking to people you don't know. Why on earth do you want to come to this reunion?
MATT: I'm bored and I don't feel like calling the grad students.
***************************************
KELLY: I don't know...I want to be drunk to like ease the pain of talking to some of these people, but I don't want to be like "the drunk girl."
CHRISSY: Oh god, no, Kelly. Don't be that girl. For ONCE IN YOUR LIFE don't be that girl
***************************************

MATT (at the end of the night): You would have had to have tried really hard to be that girl with that crowd.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
MATT: I worked it all out on the way over. We're engaged but I couldn't buy you a ring because I owe back taxes to the government.
*****************************************
Kellie Douglas: Are you guys together
KELLY: No.
MATT (at the same time as Kelly while putting his arm around her): Yes
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
MATT: You think if I keep coming to these reunions that by the 50-year people actually think they went to high school with me?
-----------------------------------------
KELLY: What's with this beard fuzz?
ERIC KRYZ: I've actually been growing it since High School. By the 10-year it should be fully grown.
________________________________________
MATT: Why are people signing that thing over there?
KELLY: It's an info sheet so they can track us down for the next reunion. You should sign your name. That way in five years if I haven't seen you in a while at least I can count on seeing you here.
****************************************
DUSTY: So, what have you been up to?
KELLY: Well, I'm doing this program called VISTA...
MATT (mouth full, interrupts): She's on food stamps.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
KELLY: Oh look, there's Erica.
ERIC K: You should talk to her.
KELLY: I have nothing to say to her.
ERIC K: Ask her how many abortions she's had since HS. That usually gets the ball rolling.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
MATT: I can't believe that Richard guy is sitting on the curb. I have a policy where if it hits that point in the night I generally go home before I end up as the guy sitting on the curb.
----------------------------------------
MATT: I want to be that guy at the reunion who's really drunk...except I didn't even go to High School with you.
_________________________________________
KELLY: Ooh. There's Sky. He's tough shit.
MATT: SKY! SKY!
SKY: Hey man.
MATT: Remember me? I sat next to you in chem!
SKY: Oh yeah, man. Um I've got to go over here though, talk to you in a bit.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
MATT: People weren't just drinking at that party. EVERYONE was WASTED.
MEL: Just remember that reunion next time you try to defend the eastside.
*****************************************
KELLY: Suzie left but then she apparantly told the cab driver to lick her snatch so he dropped her off at the goodwill and she walked back to the reunion.

August 20, 2005 - 4:54 p.m.

(Jason announces he just bought lotion, which he had been "meaning to do for 2 years)
MATT: This is a metaphor for jason's life. "I've been needing BLANK for BLANK *years* and I just got it."
ALISON: And you got lubriderm?
MATT: Jason's only at the first stage of lotion buying. He only knows where it's located in the store.
Jason: Actually, I found it by accident.

***************************************

JOHN: Everyone gets compliments there. It's like emotional communism.

________________________________________

JOHN (about a guy he works with): His questions illustrate that he doesn't have much intellectual horsepower.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
KELLY: Wait, so this couple moved in together and they've only been together for like four months?
MATT: Yeah! She doesn't even know what he's like when it's hot out!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KELLY: What does his new girlfriend look like.
JEN (the ex): She looks like me when I was skinny.

*************************************

KELLY: I was thinking I would just get really drunk and confront him about it.
MATT: I would advise against it.
KELLY: Well, I think I'll do it anyway.
MATT: Okay, well, you do that and have a sad, miserable, painful series of encounters.
KELLY: I will.
MATT: Make sure you tell us all of the details, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JULIE: I have perfectionist tendencies without the skills to back them up.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KEVIN (about matt dating a married woman): You're playing with fire, Matt, but I LOVE IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(dixie chicks wide open spaces comes on)
BRENNA: I listened to this song the whole way back from Honduras.
KELLY: I listened to it on the way to college freshman year.
(quiet)
AMY: What, on the whole 5 minutes it took to get there?
*************************************

BRENNA: I think it's important to spend the money on a good bed. I mean, you spend like a third of your life in bed.
AMY: Or three-fourths if you're Kelly.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JOHN(at the Nitty Gritty): Just look around... all of these people are trapped at this bar because one of their friends is having a birthday. (turns to birthday person, kevin o)And we're no exception.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

May 30, 2005 - so oblivient

KELLY: I don't want to talk about sex.
VIANO: What's this? Are we on a vagina saharra?
______________________________________
JOHN (after smokin the doobie): My mouth tastes like...greenhouse.
--------------------------------------
(everyone is quiet watching a movie)
JOHN: GOD!
KELLY: What?
JOHN: It feels like there is a pool of water on my hand!
(kelly laughs)
J: It's not funny! It's DISHEARTENING!
***************************************
(peter is dealing cards randomly and slowly)
NATYN: there must be SOME method to this madness.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JOHN about the original "war of the worlds": It was like watching a roman candle burn over and over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KELLY: I put the bay area as #1.
VIANO: Did you specify which bay? Watch em put you in fucking hudson bay with a dogsled and eskimo children.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
KELLY: I don't do well with change.
KAREN EDQUIST: Yeah, me neither...but I'm not that great with routine either.
_______________________________________
MAGPIE: You're 21st birthday's tonight?
SARAH: Yup.
JOHN: Too bad alcohol's your cryptonite.
***************************************
ERIN OK: If God didn't want us to masturbate he would have given us shorter arms.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
CO LAUREN: Kelly, like my mom always says, "if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
KELLY: That's pretty good.
CO: She also says never to drink champaign right out of the bottle. Both pieces of advice have come in handy in my 19 years of life.
---------------------------------------
(new pope comes onto the balcony)
KELLY: Not another weekend at Bernie's pope!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
KELLY: Man, I'm so down!
STEVE: Well, this will make you laugh- George Bush might be nominated for a nobel peace prize.
STEVE'S FRIEND: Yes, and also, all dogs go to heaven.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOHN: When Gabe comes over you can't talk about anything...ever.
KELLY: No, it's going to be okay. When I get high I just laugh and don't say much because I'm afraid I'll say something stupid.
J: Maybe you should get high before you go talk to Magpie.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JOHN: Let's take a vote on whether we watch my movie or Kelly's movie.
GABE: I really don't care.
JOHN: Well, tell me this: who do you *like* more?
***************************************
(BRE, AMY and I talking about how it may be a little cool to get mono)
BRENNA: Then you could show up at school and be like "whatup yall I'm skinny. Look at me I'm like super-frail."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BRENNA: Why are people so oblivient?
--------------------------------------
AMY: [her friend] Anna accidentally snorted Justin's acne medicine and they had to call poison control.
_______________________________________
AJ: Who's the guy that sings the songs that make the world go round?
KELLY: Barry Manilo.
JESS R: Barry Manilo...
AJ: Are you a fan-a-lo?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JESS R: I hate on those cop shows when they find the weapon in the dumpster down the street. When are the criminals going to figure out that they check those?
**************************************
email "G" got at american girl:
Hello. I am nine. I am on my mom's name thing so too bad our love is forbidden. I saw your pony story and my friend karin gave it to me and I brought it home and my mom said "suzie lee if you EVAH and I mean EVAH go on that american girl website again you will go to a convent for evil women who are nine!" So if you could please send me your catalogue disguised as a coldwater creek catalogue I would be glad. Uh oh, here comes my step-mom. Her name is natasha! Got to dash!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
another email:
My mom told me I could get an american girl doll or a lizard. My dad already set up everything for the lizard but I still can't decide. Is there any advice you can give me on how to decide?
_______________________________________
MOM: Shit. On Thursday I have to take the assholes to Chicago.
KELLY: What assholes?
MOM: My class (the 8th graders at the catholic school where she teaches)
************************************
(Kelly, Brenna and Amy are being annoying)
MOM: Please stop being annoying. I just got rid of 52 assholes today and I don't need to come home to any new ones.
KELLY: Only 4 more assholes to go and you will lead an asshole-free life. And then what will you do?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MOM: So they want this guy to teach at QP next year but he isn't even certified.
KELLY: Wait- what happened to Mrs. ML?
MOM: She's taking a "mental health year."
K: Well I don't know why I'm scrambling around trying to find a job. I should just stand in line outside of QP and wait for the next teacher to be pushed over the edge.
DAD (points to floor next to mom): Line starts here.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
EMMA MAE (elder care lady): Oh, Lord. Look at this lady on the Oprah Show. Her jealous man shot her face off.
KELLY: Well, maybe Oprah will help her.
EMMA: I sure hope so. Oprah best get herself together and buy that woman a face!
_________________________________________
EMMA: There's a lot of ignorant people out there and I done married a lot of them. See that one right there (points to picture) I tried to shoot him but the good lord kept saving his ass.

March 14 2005 -

(at a bar)
KELLY: Can you *not* look at the tv?
JOHN: Sorry, but it's way more interesting than you. It's your fault.
KELLY: PARTICIPATE!
JOHN: Well, can we talk about something that makes me feel alive?

*****************************************

(John drunkenly burps loudly in front of people we just met)
JOHN: I would NOT recommend smelling that.

_______________________________________

(at the gay club- unattractive lady walks in)
JOHN: She looks like something from the Vampire [video] game. I slayed her two weeks ago!

***************************************

(brenna and my dad went to honduras. One of the things they did was give hearing tests to the local villagers)

BRENNA: I was really sick of it by the time we left. I would go to sleep at night and all I could see was ear canals. Everywhere I looked was another ear canal!

------------------------------------------

(will fell skiing and can't walk fast)
BRENT: Someone should put an orange triange on his back that says "Danger! Slow moving object!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(every time I see Austin K I'm drunk and I talk to him FOREVER)

KELLY: Well, I'd better go vote for Austin K. I think he's earned it. He deserves a vote from me.
JOHN: He deserves a *settlement* from you.

****************************************

MOM: have you gotten any email from dad? He apparantly drove through a group of militant revolutionaries with guns and had to get out to negotiate their way through. He thinks he's....well, have you seen "motorcycle diaries"?
KELLY: He thinks he's Che Guevara?
MOM: Yes...except the much older version.

_______________________________________

MOM: I hate my fucking class so much. At the end of this year I'm going to have a porch party and I'm getting a keg and I'm going to get just blasted. And the best part is that I won't have to drive home!

****************************************

JORDAN: I have nothing to talk about in one-one-ones as it is! How are they supposed to be an hour?!
KELLY: What do you talk about?
JORDAN: Well, with Magpie we talk about bikes, nature stuff and sewing my pants.
KELLY: What do you talk about with Jen?
JORDAN: Whatever's on her mind.

----------------------------------------

(talking about freeipods.com)
KELLY: You should really do it. They already sent me a free ipod and now I'm going to get a free minimac!!
JOHN: AND! It's all she talks about anymore and has totally taken over her personality!! Good luck, though!

-----------------------------------------

KELLY: I don't think I can go to the Latino Ball. I don't have anything to wear.
JOHN: Too bad they don't have latinoballdresses.com.

----------------------------------------

(about teach for america)
KELLY: I *hope* I get an interview, but I'm nervous.
ERIN (resident): Oh! I really want you to teach...america. I would love you to teach my children. Actually I wouldn't. But you *could* serve as a horrible, horrible example!

****************************************

JOHN: It's not that I don't like him because of his race. I don't like him because he's a gremlin.
BRENT: And there's just no such thing as non-gremlin privilege.
JOHN: I think there is. Let's start to break it down

----------------------------------------

(guy falls up the stairs at the church key and we all see it sitting at our table)

GUY: Sorry.
BRENT: He just apologized to us for seeing that.

*****************************************

(John is wasted at the church key- laughs at this girl walking by)
GIRL: WHAT?!
JOHN: LINGUISTICS!
GIRL: What?
JOHN: Linguistics! We were in linguistics together freshman year!
GIRL: That was like 5 semesters ago! What's so funny about that!
(John just keeps laughing and girl leaves)
BRENT: So, what's *really* so funny about her?
JOHN: We were in linguistics together.
KELLY: That's it?
JOHN: Yes! (keeps laughing)

***************************************

WILL: I thought I was invinsible! Wrong! I'm....VINSIBLE!

======================================

(John didn't get the job he wanted. Instead he is an alternate)

JOHN (comes in and falls onto my bed): I'm an alternate, Kelly. An ALTERNATE! Now I know the pain of Chelsea Memmel who came so close to her olympic dream but had to watch it from the sidelines because she too was an alternate.

**************************************

AMY (trying to convince mom that we should all move to california): Come on mom! Aren't you sick of the snow? What are you gonna do- retire here? Do you really want to be like one of those old women who slips and falls shoveling?

----------------------------------------

(staff meeting about casino night)

JOHN: dig it an early grave.

**************************************

(shopping. clothes are not "us")

JOHN: Kelly, we just don't fit society's mold. If we were in the mold we would just get bigger and break the mold.

---------------------------------------

(after a long shopping expedition)
JOHN: Let's go home. I've got to soak my corns.

_______________________________________

(Nessa has an away message that says "I would do anything to ease your pain" that is not actually funny at all but John didn't know what it meant...supposedly)
JOHN: I would do anything to ease your pain! But I won't give you celebrex cuz it's been pulled from the market.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(as told to me by John)
KELLY (to dotty's bartender): If you don't like us it's because he's an introvert and I'm abrasive.

******************************************

(chris p won't jaywalk because he's in the army)
KELLY: Good thing I'm not in the army! Jaywalking is one of my favorite pastimes!

VIANA: I don't think that's only reason you can't be in the army...

JOHN: Sleeping with men is one of my favorite pastimes. What does the army say about that?

February 19 -

KELLY: I don't know when Sarah's coming back, but her away message says she's at a movie with Chris and Brad. She's in a douchebag sandwich.
________________________________________
(Kelly is bitching about how her parents always force her to give them her basketball tickets)
JOHN: Well, I'm sure they'll let you use the tickets when they are all in Disneyland without you.
---------------------------------------
KELLY: You didn't come to the PAVE presentation so you're gonna be clueless.
NAPPY (resident): I got all the hilights from you!
KELLY: Like what?
NAPPY: Like...wait...I know this...GET PERMISSION!
KELLY: it's called "consent," but sure.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
(Andy K starts telling some gossip)
John (leans in and lowers his voice): tell us more. You have a safe space.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Stacy: I think it's funny you announced that Barnacle got the job.
John: Well, noone knows his real name. If Jen knew she would be like "I'm so hurt! I'm so hurt you would compare your resident to a sea dwelling creature!"
=======================================
John (during roundtable at the staff meeting): There is currently a locus of drinking on my floor that I am trying to stamp out.
***********************************************
John (at a house party): Kelly, I need to have a conference on the porch. (on porch) 1)I can't believe Sarah didn't tell us she was making out with Chris. 2) I'm still in love with Dan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John (making his website): Hmm...how could we put this so we don't get fired...
----------------------------------------
Kelly: I'm not coming back to witte next year- I'm fucking 23 years old!
Suds: But it's sort of your calling. Nuns are called to God, Ranz to the dorms.
_______________________________________
Andrew (resident): Hey- did you know my mom wanted to give me a promise ring. I told them I wouldn't wear it and they got mad. They groweled. So they gave me this lighter. It has my initials engraved in it and when I got it I was like "Cool! A lighter with my name engraved!" and then I turned it over and it said "love waits" and I was like "oh MAN!"
****************************************
(backstory: John and I got addicted to this game called Bubble Trouble)
Kelly: Well, I've really enjoyed this time we spent together! We'll have to do it again tomorrow night!
John: I know! This is like our new smoking.
______________________________________
Kelly: I played all night and my wrist aches and the tendons in my forearm are sore. It's like I just discovered masturbation.
----------------------------------------
John: I emailed the creaters of the game today and asked them how to beat level 15.
****************************************
John: This laser is like the bane of my existence.
Kelly: Hey! "bane of my existence" is *my* phrase.
John: Well I'm planning to use it next year and telling everyone it's mine.
---------------------------------------

February 14, 2005 - 3:55 a.m.

Kelly: Are you going to come out with us tomorrow?
Suds: Well, I'm 300 pages behind in one class. 300 pages! I'm what they call "Ranz-Ready."
--------------------------------
Chrissy: sidenote: check this out-- HenryShugar: corpret probibley

Chrissy: that's tim trying to tell me he's working in the corporate world. Dude can't even spell corporate.
-------------------------------------
(disciplinary hearing)
jgetz: It was nice of Kelly to come here with you.
resident-erin: You have no idea how much I had to pay her to come with.
jgetz: ok, well, I would just like to remind you that while some jokes are okay, this is a formal proceeding.
erin: oh, I'm sorry! Strike that from the record!
*************************************
(john starts telling a story he's already told me)
Kelly: we talked about this yesterday.
John: Well, sometimes you're redundant, too, you know! Like that outfit (gray sweatpants and maroon hoodie). That outfit is redundant.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
John (all serious): he's the person I talk to when ...he's my safety net...no...he's the person I'm in love with....(girly voice) and he has big muscles.
**************************************
john: how was training.
Kelly: I didn't go. Something suddenly came up.
John: What, did "Wings" come on unexpectedly?
=======================================
Kelly: I seriously look obese in that picture.
John: yeah your pose is like "cheers to having no neck!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
John: oh that reminds me- I have to call gabe and break up with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John: yeah...I'm really glad I'm not a lesbian.

February 2005 -

Kell0242: Auto response from Kell0242: did you know that Jamie Lee Curtis has male DNA?

Ocett15: Jaimee Lee Curtis suffers from androgen insensitivity disorder.

O15: She has the same chromosomes as a woman.

O15: Meaning XX.

O15: No wait.

O15: She has the chromosomes of a man.

O15: XY

O15: But when she was a fetus she didn't respond to testosterone and so forth.

O15: So only the X chromosome was expressed.

O15: And she developed as a female.

O15: Although I think she has an empty vaginal cavity with no uterus.

O15: So she is sterile I think.

O15: So she doesn't have male DNA as your away message alleges.

O15: Or no, actually she does.

O15: Cause she has a Y chromosome.

O15: So yeah you're right.

O15: P.S. let's get drunkee tomarrow.

O15 signed off at 1:12:56 AM.

January 2005 - nonemerg

Alright,gronliville has been on hiatus for quite some time but I think it's about time to bring it back since I have had these little slips of paper in my purse for over a year.... Clearly Chrissy is the star this time around


**************************************************



(@ the CK)

Kelly: That guy loitered.
Chrissy: How could he loiter?
Kelly: He just threw shit!
Chrissy: That's not loiter- that's LITTER!
Kelly: Shit- and I'm not even drunk yet.

*****************************************

(at Luther's Blues where we were the youngest people by 25 years)

Chrissy: I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. We Just got yelled at by old people for trying to get closer to the stage and now they are doing the hippity-dippity behind us.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Shmollin: I'm sympathetic to the pudge but come on- you have to know what you can wear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(this one is really old)

Alison's title for my memoirs: From Pinache to Trash: How I ended up puking on the side of I-94 and other stories.

-----------------------------------------------

Chrissy (referring to the above): Oh my god that's so my life except we had already gotten onto 35.

**************************

Suds (quasi-resident): I'll go through my top 5 hated list:
1) Alf.
2) Valour tracksuits- if in purple, double.
3)any MTV idol under the age of 18 (Hillary Duff)
4)no but I really hate Alf.
5) the OC cuz it's like spending an hour in Hollister.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Kathy (I have no idea who Kathy is): Wait- I better not drink your drink. I'm sick.
John: It's okay. I have protective antibodies circulating through my body.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(drunk chrissy making some phone calls)

Chrissy: I'm calling the writing center.
kelly: what the fuck?
dan: who drunk dials the writing center?
Chrissy: shhhh. i'm leaving a message: "Marcus, I need a writing appointment, stat."
**********************************
(same night)
Chrissy: What is this "nonemerg"? All year this has been in my phone and I never know what it is. I'm calling them! (dials...listens...gets really scared and hangs up. then whispers) It's the police!
Kelly: that would be the nonemergency police number they give us. nice Chris.

_______________________________________

Chrissy: Do you know what I know about that guy with the red hat?
Kelly: What?
Chrissy: He's a 'publi (republican). Wanna know what I know about that guy in the muscle shirt?
Kelly: What?
Chrissy: HE WEARS A MUSCLE SHIRT!

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Tim G: Sometimes I would ike to break through the 6 inches between us and be on Kelly.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Chrissy: sometimes I just need someone to be vehement with me.
Kelly: I WAS!!
Chrissy: You don't count. I don't take you seriously.

========================================

Kelly: I'm just nervous about this exam. The last one was so confusing. Like some questions I knew cold, but others I was like "WHAT?"
KERRI (res): Well (laughing) I thought it was okay. I did all the readings so it made sense to me.
Kelly: touche.

?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|?|

(the fire alarm in someone's room went off at 6:30 am)
Kelly: What happened?
CAITLIN (res): Well, I couldn't get the toast out with a fork, so I just decided to put it back down and put more in.
Kelly(totally serious because I was tired): That was like a final exam for your life....and you failed.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

MOM: I called the school nurse to ask her about Brenna's cough (which she thought was whooping cough) and she notified the health department.
DAD: Now why would you do that?
MOM: Well, I didn't know she would tell anyone.
DAD: That's like calling social services and saying "I'm beating my child. What do you think about that?"

**************************************

Shmollin(leans in like she has a huge secret): To be honest with you, I don't know what I would do without my breasts.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ME: I think the 49% of us should just secede from the union.
JOHN: Didn't they try to do that before and it didn't really work out?
ME: Yeah, but I think we needed the south back then.
JOHN: yeah, for like cotton or something. Now it's just like an insect infested swamp.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

JESS (res): Did you hear what they found in Saddam's fridge? 7-UP, poptarts and candybars!
DREA (res): Oh my God he could be my soulmate!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

message from john:
"Please- I'm sooo lonely...stop sleeping. (moans for a long time). Ahhh, there's like no one on my floor and....it's cold outside....and like the world is like slowly shriveling up and dying as the leaves turn brown...and so is my soul...so please....let's...go to Ed's...and laugh. Goodbye."

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Maggie (res): Kelly, I don't smoke pot as often as you think.
Kelly: you told me you smoke every day!
Maggie: That's not that often!!

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Chrissy (about Veridian Homes commercial): I want that house.
Kelly: Me too.
Chrissy: I want that man.
Kelly: I don't.
Chrissy: Since when are you picky?

****************************************

Kelly: John's really into this personality test where you're either "earth", "water", "air" or "fire". I'm "fire".
Jane: Oh yeah, me too.
Kelly: Kevin O is "air".
JANE: Funny, I thought he'd be "phlem"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Tim G: Can I borrow some shampoo? I lost mine.
KELLY: How do you lose shampoo?
Tim: I don't know...I lost it like some time in the middle of last semester.
K: Have you been going without shampoo for months now?
Tim: oh. I always do that.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
KELL (to tim): You are such a hippy.
MAGGIE: Yeah look at him representing the tye-dye.
KELL: Yeah and he won't change it for like 7 days.
TIM (serious): No, I ran out of deoderant so I have to change my shirt like every three days.

========================================

ME: So, I found out like an hour ago that I have an exam tomorrow morning.
SUDs: So much for turning over a new leaf, huh? More like pounding the old one further into the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(message my mom left when Audrey Sieler was missing)
"Hi, Kelly. We are all really glad that they found that girl. Dad thinks the guy is at Uncle Jim's. He's over there right now. Bye."

**************************************

Kelly's away message: totally beat. Thank God it's finally spring break! To celebrate I shall nap.
Jason M: i don't think it's called a nap when you're asleep for 3 hours. i think it's called "sleeping"

--------------------------------------

MOM: I saw a preview and she (Barbra Streisand) said that her mother always told other people how great she was but never told her.
ME: Yeah. She has mother issues.
MOM: Yeah, well, so do you.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MAGGIE (saying why alcohol is worse than pot): The thing I don't get is, when I'm stoned, what's the WORST thing I will do? Sit? On a couch? and watch tv?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Kelly: Dad, Amy doesn't think she's an introvert.
AMY: I'm not!
Kelly: Yes, you totally are.
MOM: Amy, it's not a bad thing.
BRENNA: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't even know what "introvert" is.

*****************************************

Kelly's away message: the excitement in witte is like christmas morning. it's move in, baby.
Matt: i hope you can see what your job has turned you into

-------------------------------------

(My away message)
KEVIN: Freshmen are not out to have a good time. They are out to get drunk. When they go out they have no time to do anything but drink, and every once in a while they stop drinking to scream, but then it's right back to drinking.
Chrissy: haha that's true, but i wouldnt limit it to just freshman, you and i are both seniors and i believe we've done a fair share of drinking and screaming in our recent days

****************************************

drea: hey kel...guess who was on the front page of the badger herald yesterday??
drea: yes, your friend and mine....kevin o...i threw up when i saw it.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

my away message: tired. prolly sleeping....again. this is why i don't get shit done on the weekends.
Chrissy: rest from what? sleeping? you didnt do shiz today

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

DREA: I went to my class that was called AAE, applied agriculture and engineering, and Carissa was there! And she was like "I couldn't find the books anywhere!" and I was like "well, what section were you looking in?" and she says "African American Studies." Turns out she thought that AAE stood for "African American Internet" and I was like "internet starts with 'i.'" and she was like "well I know that but you have to click on the 'e' to get it!"

***********************************************************

DAN: African American Internet studies? Black people ain't even online yet!

May 2004 -

1) training

2) smiley face stickers

3) FAC

4) Jumping in the lake after training

5) Cutting my foot jumping into the lake

6) Real World when Tim explained what a QP is

7) Matt’s “beautiful costume”

8) Olympics

9) Witte Idol (Brut, anyone?)

10) Jenni telling a resident she wants to be his groupie

11) Halloween lockdown

12) Making it through January 13…need I say more?

13) Jordan telling Jenni and Laura there was a camera on the 13th

14) The master narrative

15) The Church Key

16) Copying body parts

17) Fire alarms…oh wait…I WON’T miss those

18) My two lanyards (one from eldercare…)

19) Mafia, Mafia, and more Mafia

20) Mafia?

21) Backyard Bash

22) The fire at the Backyard Bash

23) The spirit stick that Chrissy and I found in the WHO office

24) “I guess I would just challenge you…”

25) That rockin’ record-breaking blood drive

26) Lopsided boobs

27) Everyone talking about my lopsided boobs

28) MCOR

29) The disorganized shoe icebreaker

30) Karaoke when Laura hit the automatic door opener

31) Racing for a comfy chair every Tuesday night

32) Late nights with Doz watching “Family Guy”

33) Late nights with Dan ordering Toppers and watching “Half Baked”

34) THAC

35) The Italian dinner Stace cooked for us

36) Masala

37) Random road trip with Angie to pick up Dan and Mit in Milwaukee

38) “Strangers with Candy” with John and Megan

39) Jordan’s corn dog song

40) RLO squirrels

41) Speaking of squirrels…Steve (RIP, steve)

42) The chicken dance- the worst showing of hall spirit

43) The best showing of hall spirit: the front lobby all decorated for Homecoming

44) When someone kept cutting the cheese at winter training

45) Endless meals with John (several cafeterias in an hour)

46) The Meyers-Briggs test

47) Probates

48) Branham making his speech from “Mighty Ducks 2” (Birds of a feather fly together…)

49) Yelling “quack” at him for days after

50) Debating over who should tell Guy to hurry up and finish tasting for Iron Chef

51) Billy, Beau and Mason

52) The fast-flying rumor that Brent was gay

53) Bowling with Dan and Chintan

54) Laura flipping off Jenni and Jenni in turn asking not to “be fingered” in her own house

55) Flaring my nostrils at Chintan

56) Lame roundtable remarks about the Redwings

57) Matt commenting that the missing pool cues might be up Branham’s ass

58) JenniferDOTAdams and LauraDOTGuthrie AKA “scrappy” and “the Guth”

59) Wondering what all of those white people were doing in a picture on Jenni’s desk and getting caught for never reading Jenni’s story, thus never knowing she’s adopted.

60) Our “roots”

61) Schooling Sellary in Football

62) Witte Formal

63) (makes a “W” with hands above head, slowly and deeply says “Witte” while dropping the “W” and reversing it)

64) doing the “WITTE” cheer so that other House Fellows groaned whenever the word was spoken

65) the mental health training that tested our own mental stability with pounding jackhammers for what seemed like an eternity

66) Sardines

67) Making fun of Tim’s shower schedule (or lack thereof…)

68) Euchre

69) Climbing at Boulders

70) Chintan’s competitiveness

71) Stace singing at Witte Idol

72) Returners session when every single Witte staff member was late

73) The fact that that there were so many of us: the staff that just kept growing…

MAY 2004 - FAREWELL 7B


73 REASONS I WILL MISS 7B...

1) Ms. March (Jer and Drea's baby)

2) The spirit stick- shaking it over Carissa in the shower

3) The MCOR reception

4) Volleyball in the backyard

5) Writing "Witte" and "7B" in lawn at the Kohl Center

6) Late night talks

7) Pokeysticks

8) The boy's club (Eric, Jer and Mlinaz) with the shirts they wouldn't explain and their movie marathon

9) Carissa thinking "AAE" was "African American Internet studies" because you click on the E to get the internet

10) Drunk Megan in the elevator on the first day

11) Forcing Maggie to sit down in the first house meeting

12) Being "Mother Fulcher"

13) Making Fay pick up the pumpkin seeds on Halloween

14) Watching "Friends"

15) Mafia

16) Slapping Anjali's ass

17) Megan telling me to hug her like I'm her House Fellow

18) Flashing Val

19) The condom girls on Halloween

20) Fort Fulcher...both times

21) One word: J-Sor

22) Drea's horn

23) March's breast augmentation

24) Sex and the City marathons

25) Getting tackled by Zach and Andrew

26) (arms crossed behind head) "welcome to the room..."

27) H squared (hot housefellow!)

28) Zach suggesting we buy Jason our janitor flame decals for his cart

29) Jenna's scooter

30) Jeremy and Eric in the girls' hall- throwing duct tape...at my feet...and their damn beat-boxing

31) When kids came to trick-or-treat and 7B was decked out

32) Magpipes singing Joni Mitchell at Witte Idol and forgetting the words

33) Fay and Kenzie being miserable...and then being happy

34) Anjali's dance group and their clicking sticks in the den

35) the Memorial Union bash

36) 7B wannabes: Kat, Tiff, Suds, James and Justin

37) Drea's crab that crawled out of its tank and cracked its neck (on two separate occasions)

38) Those first few days when it was so hot and people slept in the den and got yelled at

39) Everyone getting in trouble at "the chad"

40) poker and euchre in the den

41) Drea covered in apple concentrate

42) The endless debate between the chode, the gooch, and the taint and sex-out-loud clearing that mystery up.

43) The phrase that refused to go away: "fuckass"

44) Lingo

45) "hit that shit"

46) getting concerned when Drea drank Fantastic Orange

47) Detective Pierce

48) Eric and Mlinaz singing the toast song

49) The girls taking me to pierce my nose and Fay holding my hand

50) Janine :)

51) "Anjali, who goes to bed later, you or Ann?" "Me...unless Ann takes a nap...or unless Ann takes TWO naps."

52) Pat's whistle

53) Jer trying to punch Drea in the face

54) Relay for life

55) All-nighters

56) DDR

57) Tug-of-war

58) the bonfire at picnic point

59) Fay dipping her shirt strings in dip

60) Andrew telling Zach when he could go to bed

61) Fay and Drea waking Zach and Andrew up at 6:00 am by jumping into bed with them

62) Kerri's dances

63) Drea: Did you fall in the ditch tonight?

Justin: WHY?

64) Suds being "the Scat Man"- the elevator closing behind him and him saying "that is the wost thing that ever happened to me!"

65) Kate's hair in the morning

66) Mayberry helping Megan into her pajamas every weekend

67) The girls dragging Brad around

68) Caroline wearing that blue sequined dress and running around saying she's Tina Turner

69) Griffin peeing in Jer's closet...his only interaction with 7B

70) The ice cream social we had in honor for Griffin that he didn't show up to

71) Kevin O dumping out Drea and Jess's alcohol and Drea bitching about it for the rest of the year

72) Joe B asking me to smoke up with him in my room all the time: "Think about it Kell-- we can't get in trouble with anyone because YOU are the House Fellow!"

73) (sad face from "Wedding Singer") "Holiday...Celebrate..."

December 2003 -



KELLY (drunk): You guys wanna have 'nother drinks?

--------------------------------------------------


KELLY: I'm gonna make out with that guy.

KEVO: Oh my God. You have drunk goggles on! He is so hideous. You could do so much better. Drink up, Kelly, not down.

**********************************************************

CHRISSY: White guys all look the same.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Weird Guy (handing darts to Chrissy): Girl, you'll be a woman soon.

KELLY (laughing): Did he just say "girl, you'll be a woman soon"?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHRISSY'S AWAY MESSAGE THAT KELLY WROTE: "Girl, you'll be a woman soon, please come take my hand. Girl, you'll be a woman, soon you'll need a man"- best pick-up line ever.

KATE (Chrissy's friend): Yeah, that's a cool line, if you're having a heart attack from too much coke like that chick in Pulp Fiction.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

KEVO: The way I see it- I have enough friends, it's time to start making enemies.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

JORDAN: Did you guys ever know that I could dance real well?

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

DELERIOUS: You know how you sit on the toilet and forget where you're at?

KELLY: All the time.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

KATE: No pizza places are open.

KELLY: Let's go to Taco Bell? Who's got access to the car?

BRIAN: Um, Kelly, who's got access to *sober driving*?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARY ELLEN: We don't let people see the spare room.

AUNT AMY: Well, Bernie said he looked and it doesn't look that bad.

MARTY: Look out, Dad. There are probably pictures all over the internet now. Look for "Gleason"- it'll be right before "Hilton".

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

JENNA (resident): Why don't they just call Pop's club a really expensive laxative?

*****************************************************************

August 2003 -

Chachy Dave:I'm not against getting a dog drunk. I fed Jack Daniels to a cow once. (Kelly writes it down) I can't believe someone wants to quote me! That's so cool!

--------------------------------------------

KELLY: How come no one ever misses me?

AMY: Probably cuz you never leave.

******************************

MATT (on how to get away with a murder): Well, you're yoing to want to be removed from the victim.

KELL: Yeah, it would help if you were a stranger, but who wants to kill someone they don't know?

MATT: I do. I want to kill people I don't know all the time. Those are the ONLY people I want to kill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BRENNA: I don't know about dad these days. He just seems not all there.

KELL: How?

BRE: I don't know...

KELL: He came out tonight with black pants and that navy blue blazer.

BRE: See? That's what I mean. Something's not clicking up there. He's starting to remind me of Tess (our dog with dementia).

___________________________________________

Dean of Students LUO LUO: Like one time a resident put feces in a pizza box. Most people are shocked and like "What?!?!" but other RAs just nod and are like "Yup. Now let me tell YOU one."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

KELLY (at a long ass diversity training session that lasted way past dinner time): I hope no one else talks.

KEVIN: Well, I just want to make the point that...

KELL & EMILY LOH: (sigh!)

E-LOH: That's it. He's mafia. Kill him.

*******************************************

KELLY: If training was a drinking game and we all drank every time they said "community", we would all be dead.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

KELLY (trying to convince people to have another drink): Whatever! live life to the fullest or die.

KEITH: What, did you see that on a NO FEAR shirt somewhere?

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

MOM: Look at Brenna. She's got an ankle brace on and platform shoes.

BRE: Yeah. I'm a walking oxymoron.

KELL: That's funny! Did you just think of that now?

BRE: No...I've been thinking about it for a while now.

*******************************************************

COP: What kind of alcohol have you been drinking.

drunk resident: (confused, trying to look innocent) Just normal!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

E-LOH: My roommate would stop and sit and cry and stop and and sit and cry.

KEVIN O: It's like "come on! it can't rain everyday!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

E-LOH: I lost my keys on the path.

KEVIN O: I lost my virginity on the path. You can't rape the willing- that's all I'll say about that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jenni: So when we talk about community...


Jordan: I have an announcement to make.


Jenni: Go ahead, Jordan.


Jordan: I have 3 extra smiley-face stickers from Walmart and I was wondering if anyone needed one.

-----------------------------------------

KEVIN R: I wish we had an eastern European country nearby. It's like a dollar store for miles.

******************************************

KEVIN R: Freshmen are not out to have a good time. They are out to get drunk. When they go out they have no time to do anything but drink, and every once in a while they stop drinking to scream, but then it's right back to drinking.

July 2003 -



MATT: "the church key ruins lives". If I had a bar, I would have that as my slogan: "We ruin lives".

JO: That could be your personal slogan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PHONE MESSAGE FROM JARED: Kelly- when you come over bring skip-bo. If you don't own it, buy it. If you can't afford it, steal it.

----------------------------

KJ (dad's work friend): we were gone for a day and a half and in that time your dad took two showers and four naps.

*****************************

AMY: Dad says when I get my braces off I can get my teeth whitened.

BRE: Yeah, well dad says a lot of things.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

KELL: She doesn't have a lot of friends in town.

MATT: Kinda like us?

KELL: Yeah, but she's not from here.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MATT: You have something between your legs.

(drunk)KELLY: If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that!....(sad) I'd still be poor.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

DELERIOUS: Can I call you Chewey?

MATT: You can. But I won't respond.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DELERIOUS: If you think I WON'T lodge my foot up your ass you are sadly mistaken.

============================

DELERIOUS: Try this Miller Lite.

MATT: Uh, no.

DEL: I'll bet you never picked up a mop or broom in your life. This is a working man's drink.

**************************

AJ: "My Hopes and Fears" by AJ S: My hope is that my keys are in your house. My fear is that they are in sleeping Gretchen's room.

KELL (laughing hysterically): That kills me!

AJ: Too bad it won't be funny tomorrow.

KELLY: It might.

AJ: Why? Cuz you'll still be drunk tomorrow?

DELERIOUS: "My Hopes and Fears" by Katie B. My hope is that you'll lose this paper by tomorrow. My fear is that you won't and it will still be funny.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

AJ: Kelly's a good listener...when she's not talking.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

(drunk)MOM: Can I do anything to help?

AUNT PATTY: Yeah, why don't you see if everyone has something to drink.

MOM (to one kid in the kitchen): You have a root beer there? (kid nods) Yeah! Everyone's got something to drink!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NANCY (reminising): Remember the "corner tavern"?

UNCLE MARTY: Yeah- it's still open. I remember it like it was two days ago.

**************************

AUNT PATTY: At Ed's funeral, I had the greatest conversation with Ed.

U.MARTY: I hope it was a monologue.

PATTY: I mean Billy.

MARTY: Your conversation was about "Mothman Prophesies"- is this the "great conversation" you mean?

PATTY: Well, it had to do with the spiritual world.

MARTY: Yeah- they agreed that Ed turned into a moth.

PATTY: He did!!

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

PATTY (to her husband, marty): You may make fun of me for believing in angels but that's fine. When I'm in heaven and you're in hell, I'll pray for you. He thinks he can just ride into heaven on the skirt strings of my good deeds but he has another thing coming.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MATT: Don't you just feel like I'm the kind of person that's..."Doctor"?

---------------------------

AL: I had to break up with alcohol today.

June 2003 -

JARED: I could sit in the same room for years.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MATT (trying to guess a secret) : Is it sexual?

KELLY: No.

MATT: Is it something *JARED* would think is sexual?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NICKI (about the Church Key- a bar) : I don't know how I feel about drinking in the house of the Lord.

KELL: It hasn't been a church for a long time.

JARED: Yeah, Nicki. Where was the Lord when the lease ran out?

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

MATT: Whenever Jared sits down he breaks something in his face.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

JARED: What is this? Does anybody know what this is? I don't care what it is...it's going in my mouth.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

JARED: I'm wet and I'm tired.

ALISON: It's like you're being born.

*******************************************************************

JARED: I tried to make it to detox, but I failed.

MATT: How could you FAIL?

JARED: Well, I went but there weren't enough cops around.

MATT: Jared, you are such a failure if they won't even take you at detox.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Miranda (HS girl from Old Navy) : My mom won't let me go to the east side.


Kelly: she won't let you GO? to an entire SIDE of this city? Why?


M: I guess she thinks it's evil.


Kell: Don't even get me started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KELL: I like your necklace, Katie. Where'd you get it?

KATIE OB: It's my "bling-bling"

NICKI: What? Is that your pet name for Jared?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

KATIE OB (clapping every syllable at Matt) : Be gone! You have no power here!

MATT: What's that from?

KOB (looking confused) : I don't know....somewhere up here (points to head).

==============================================================================

MATT: I need to have a debate.

KATIE OB: No! What you *need* is to keep your opinions to yourself.

*******************************************************************

and finally...some pictures from the Church Key that explain the atmosphere where most of these things were said...

http://www.cs.wisc.edu/~jduffy/secret/20030613/index.html

June 2003 - FYO

Who knew anyone ever read these quotes. After several requests for new entries, here she is...

-----------------------------------

BRENNA: FYO, I'm not drunk.

KELL: FYO!? FYO? What does FYO mean?

BRE: For Your Ofermation.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AJ: I highly recommend not working from home if you live there.


*************************************

AJ: Let's go to Smokey Bones.

KELL: Where's that?

AJ: Where Red Lobster used to be.

KELL: I had a breakup at the east side Red Lobster. It was tragic.

AJ: If it was the east side Red Lobster, it was probably a tragic dinner, too.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

KELL: This apartment is so quiet. One of these days I'm just going to start yelling swear words.

GRETCH: I would.

KELL: No you wouldn't.

GRETCH: I would if I was YOU.


-------------------------------------

DAD (after brenna runs into a parked car on the first day she has her licence): I'm a little leary of letting you use the car. How would you feel about a little Honda mophead?

BRENNA: Well, they're probably easier to park.


``````````````````````````````````````

MOM: Have you been going to the Y?

KELL: Yeah, why?

MOM: Because you're looking really good.

DAD: Yeah, you look a lot better.

KELL: I look a lot *better*? Better than what?

DAD: No...wait...shit...yeah! you do!


~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OUR FUN LITTLE OVERNIGHT IN MILWAUKEE

KELL: I like to people-watch.

MATT: Yeah, but we're people watchers with a vengence.


#####################################

KELL (after matt says something mean): If I had more money I would throw this drink in your face.


*************************************

KELL: Should I order another drink? What do you think?

NICKI: I don't think much.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MATT: Kelly, you're oblivious to what just happened.

KELL (drunk-fyo):I AM NOT oblivious!

MATT: What did she just say?

KELL:(blank stare)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MATT: That's the bomb.

KELL: Matt, the 1990s called. They want their phrases back.


**********************************

KELL: I can't stand country music these days. It's so patriotic.

ALISON: Yeah, "My Girlfriend Shot Me But I Still Love The USA"


*************************************

ERIC KRYZJ (after my roommate comes out of her room after three hours, walks through the room with her head down and goes back to her room): So how many immigrants are you keeping here?


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

MATT: I just feel like someone's missing- like someone went to the bathroom and hasn't come back.

whole table: (silence, weird stares)

a few minutes later...

MATT: Nicki, you act so doped up.

NICKI: Has that person come back from the bathroom yet Matt?

February 2003 -


KEVIN: I would live in Texas just to piss off Texans

----------------------------------------

KATIE OB: Jared, you better not make out with anyone tonight of I'll chain your knees together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MIAS: I went to a therapist and she said I had no "zest for life"

KELL: Obviously she never saw you in a bar

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MEL: Matt's acting weird. First he worked two days in a ROW and then when we made plans he said he would "pencil me in"

KELL: A, that's such a lame thing to say

BRON: and B, like he has a pencil...let alone a schedule!

****************************************

MIAS: Do you find someone that's 130 lbs attractive?

KELL: on a chick or a dude?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

BRE: Kathy says she thinks you're depressed because you're always mad.

AMY: well you tell her I said "fuck you"

========================================

KELL: Okay, well bye dad!

DAD:Where are you going?

KELL: back to the wanta's house

DAD:okay, well you have fun over there

KELL: Dad, I've lived there for three days now

DAD: really? three days?

KELL: you didn't notice I've been gone?!

````````````````````````````````````````

BRE: Dave, I swear to god...

DAVE: You're roman catholic, brenna. You shouldn't swear to god.

BRE: We're Roman?

October 2002 -

KELL: You want to rent "the sweetest thing"?

BRE: What's it about?

KELL: I don't know...all I saw was some girls driving around and being crazy.

BRE: Yeah, sure- that sounds like something I would like

***************************************

DELIRIOUS: Every time I see the Pope all I can think about is "Weekend at Bernie's".

---------------------------------------

ERIN: Our youth group was called "The Cutting Edge".

KELL: Isn't that a movie?

GRETCHEN: Yeah, the movie was better...

=======================================

DAD (watching Governor's debates): I just trust guys with ponytails, that's all.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

MOM: "Law and Order" is on, should we wake Kelly up?

AMY: No, she has an internal "Law & Order" clock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~